Music and lyrics.

I wish I really had something substantial to say. But once again, I just feel like writing, so you get to sit through another post of random things that probably don't really matter. Oh, lucky youuu.

So.
Today we'll be rambling about music. Or, rather, I'll be rambling about music. Ahhh yayyy be excitedddddddd!

I've fallen in love with music again. That head over heels kinda love. I used to have days where all I'd do is search for new music, and have incredible sharing sessions with those fortunate souls that have the same music taste as me. Yeah, I'd totally waste 5 hours at a time, but BOY, nothing beats the satisfaction of finding some amazing new band that nobody's ever heard of and sharing it with others.
Mm, mm, mm. Such a feeling.

I'm not really sure what happened to my music scavenging -- but oh, how I want to relive those days again.

Lately, I've been living and breathing Coldplay. There's probably no other word to describe them but epic. I've decided that I absolutely love their new CD -- or what I've heard of it, anyways.
Sure, it has so much to live up to, especially after A Rush of Blood to the Head and some of their other incredible stuff, but I think they're doing a mighty fine job of it. Such a different style than what they used to be, especially with Viva la Vida and Violet Hill, but I love them so much more after every listen.

I think my head is gonna break off of my neck from the amount of head-bobbing I've been doing lately. Oh, but it'd be so worth it.

And I'm finally listening to their really old stuff, like Warning Sign and Amsterdam and Everything's Not Lost and the Scientist and AHH SO GOOD. Please do yourself a favor right now and go listen to them and just take it all in.

In other news, things have been kinda crazy. Both the good kinda crazy and the bad kinda crazy.

Let's start with the good.
I don't know if it's the amazing weather lately, or the fact that I've finally been able to start doing devotions in the morning, or that Francis Chan really knows how to write a book that pierces my heart, but I finally feel like I'm beginning to change. I can't look at the nature around me, at the thousands of processes going on in my body (AP BIOLOGY NERD-DOM YAY) lately without thinking how incredible it is that Someone created it all. I find myself wanting to be a better person, to learn how to love people better -- even though I've completely screwed everything and everyone over this past year. I find that it's easier to forgive, that I want to give more.
And there's no other explanation for it all except for Jesus.

It's a shame that I used to avoid talking or writing about faith because I knew that people from school read this too and might be turned off of it or whatever. But why hide what should be the most important part of my life?

Haha sorry for the random epiphanies. I guess it helps to write my thoughts out and see them for myself.

Hmm, so it's going to be a busy few weeks.

Tomorrow, I'm driving to OC for senior week. And I'm kinda bummed that it's actually a whole seven days, because there probably won't be much to do there if I'm not getting flat out drunk and having sex. Haha I guess I'll have to bring a lot of board games. A LOT. of board games. But I'm excited to spend a full week with some of my girlfriends that I haven't gotten to see a lot of this year. And maybe get some skin cancer in the process. Except my skin is both tan-resistant and burn-resistant. I will have to accept my destiny as a pale-skinned geisha. SIGH.

Two days after I come back from the beach, I'll be in Washington D.C. training for Camp Heaven from June 9-22. I am so excited and so scared at the same time. I've never really had confidence with kids -- sure, I work with them a lot, but I'm always such a pushover and I hate getting on kids' bad sides. I become too much like a friend and not enough like a counselor or mentor. Last summer, I helped out with Camp Heaven for just a week and it was one of the most trying yet incredible experiences of my life. I know God is going to do something crazy with these children this year, and I can't wait to be a part of it.

After training, I'll be doing three weeks of the camp. I regret that I can't do more because my mom wants me to be home to take care of a family from Taiwan staying at our house (Austin and Ingrid and Brandon's family) But I'll be back July 13th. Hopefully as a different person.

I desperately need to spend time with people before I leave. Sigh.

Rise and shine.

All of a sudden, I have the urge to write.
I've always wanted to be one of those people who write these amazing, insightful, thought-provoking blogs -- the ones that have the ability to change your life and compel you to be a better person. I read posts like Eden Chen's, like Jumi Bello's, and even those of an NYU graduate that I haven't even met yet -- and I can't help but feel moved, feel shaken, and realize once again that life is so much deeper and bigger than even my little mind can fathom.

So I'm starting this up again. And we'll see if it's a little different this time around -- not really more serious, but maybe just a little deeper. A little less frivolous, and a little more real.

Oh boy. [rubs hands together] We'll see how this works out.

I don't know if you've noticed (all 2 of you loyal readers HAH.) but the layout's changed. It looks almost naked -- no pictures, no pretty colors -- nothing but words. And I kind of want it to be that way. Pure rambling and pouring out of my heart without using all the cute little graphics and banners to compensate. It's going to be a challenge, I know it already. BUT I'M READY.


Wow, I really don't even know what to begin writing about. Things have been kinda crazy these days, in both good and bad ways. I've been happy, but at the same time very unhappy with myself and who've I've been this year. I feel like time is slipping right out of my fingers, and that before I know it, it'll be August 25th and I'll be leaving this familiar town of Columbia, this familiar church of Chinese Bible Church of Maryland, this familiar state of Maryland, to head down 11 hours to a place that is completely unknown to me.

Emory University.
Atlanta, Georgia.

It's been my dream school since I started -- maybe because I first got brainwashed by Jocelyn, Eden, and Christine -- but truly after I visited and felt a connection to that place that I cannot deny. And now that I've found a roommate that is such a perfect match for me that it's almost kind of eerie, I'm only more excited. We love the same music, the same movies, both have some Cantonese in us, are involved in our churches and sing on the worship team, but have grown up in entirely different places and communities, exposed to completely different things. AHH, I'm so excited to meet this woman and experience what God has to show me through her.

But as ready as I think I am to leave, I know I'm not.
Yesterday night, I was driving home with my mom after getting a haircut. I find that we have our best (and worst) conversations in the car. Before all this, my mom had never shown any signs of weakness or worry about me leaving. She and my sister actually ganged up on my dad to convince him to let me go to Emory (hahah bless their souls), and somehow knew that Emory was where God meant for me to be. But last night, as we talked about how our home was finally gonna be an empty nest, her voice started breaking as she told me that she didn't think she'd be able to let me go, that if she had her way and let herself be selfish, she'd keep me at Maryland so I'd never have to leave. "But I know it's not up to me, and I have to let you go. Even though I've grown so much closer to you this year since you were all I've had to talk to and teach, with Carmen at college. I'm going to miss you so much." And all I wanted to do was just hug her and hold her and tell her how important she is to my life, how she's played such an incredible part in my life. But she was driving, so all I could do was rub her arm awkwardly and tell her how much I love her and how much I'd miss her.

I really don't think I can handle repeating this with all that I've grown close to here in Maryland.
I'm going to be such a mess in August. AWLEFJASKdfsdkfj.
I'm not ready.
I'm not ready to say goodbye.

I'm so scared of getting older,
I'm only good at being young.