To be a pancreas.

In four days, I depart back to Washington D.C. I'm not exactly sure exactly how I feel about leaving, but I do know that no part of me regrets being gone for 7 weeks of this summer with Little Lights - as much as I love the people of CBC, as much as I'm bummed that I never got to hang out with some of the girls from Atholton that I miss so much, as much as I feel that these four days are the last four days I'll truly get to spend with the people I've grown to love.

And sometimes I feel like all I've done is abandon people. I felt like I abandoned my 7-9 girls and my Camp Heaven counselors when I left for home last Sunday, and now I feel like I'm abandoning my teens group and our new worship team and the people that I've grown up with for literally my entire life. I feel like I'm abandoning the drama team by choosing to get my wisdom teeth removed the first day of CEF retreat instead of the last week of Camp. I feel like I'm abandoning my relationships and not giving them a fair chance.

And I hate leaving. I hate feeling like I've disappointed people, partly because of this subconscious need I have to gain approval and to please people, and partly because some stupid part of me actually believes that I can change things, that things will be worser off if I'm gone.

But God, I'm such a prideful person. I don't think I've realized it until this year, but so much of what I do revolves around putting up this front, this mask - that I am alright, that I have it together, that I have God and He has me and everything is just fine and dandy and flowers and rainbows. I've always struggled with sincerity - with doing things purely for the sake of others and for the glory of God, and not thinking at all about what it will do for me, if it will make me look like a better person, if I will get this satisfaction of knowing that I did something well. And I hate to acknowledge that side of me, but it's been driving me crazy.

Cuz I don't want you to know where I am
Cuz then you'd see my heart in the saddest state it's ever been.

I wish I could be completely real - with people, with God, with myself. I don't want to be a Pharisee that just honors my God with my lips, but my heart is far from Him. I don't want to be caught up in appearances, in having this shallow faith where I do devotions just to fill this God quota that I have in the back of my mind.
I can't wait for the day when all that I do is solely for the glory of God, that I would find satisfaction not in myself, but in the grace that He's poured out on this messed up child of His.

This past Sunday, our youth director Debby gave a personal sermon to each of the seniors. And when she got to mine, I really started to squirm in my seat. It's so weird, to have a sermon preached to you that brings to light every part of your heart that other people may not always see but you know is there. She called me out on guys, on my pride, on the spotlight that I seem to have even when I don't realize it. She told me that I'm like a right hand in the church - that everybody sees the right hand and all that it does, and it gets a lot of recognition and can often steal the spotlight. But oh, to be a pancreas. The little organ whose function nobody really knows. To honor the one that not everybody recognizes when they do their work, the one that's behind the scenes and easily forgotten. That sermon in itself was humbling, but even more humbling was the fact that I really don't know anything about humility at all.

May God reveal that to me this summer, as much as I hate praying that prayer because God really does follow through on it.

But as much as I wished to be at the ministry house with the other counselors, especially when things were crazy and frightening in that neighborhood, I think I've learned so much more than I thought I would while I was at home. It was a challenge to see if I would really live differently and changed after I was taken out of an environment in D.C. where I was surrounded by those who loved Jesus, if I could really love not just these kids but anybody that was around me. I've discovered that the sixth-grade girls in my teens group are beautiful and amazing and so fun to be around, that they are freaking talented at guitar and have such an enthusiasm to learn that it inspires even me. I've been given the chance to meet up with people that I haven't really talked to in years, and to find that we are so incredibly similar in so many ways, and that I've really missed out on a lot of years of friendship. I've found that I'm finally getting to know people that I've always "known" but never had the motivation to go deeper and find out how they think, what they fear, what they love.

But I am so thankful for these two weeks. Even though there were some days where I couldn't help but wonder why the heck I'm in this rich, safe, suburban neighborhood while the people I work and love with were in the midst of darkness and brokenness and fear, and I couldn't be with them.

Yet I'm starting to understand why I'm here. Why even though my dentist was too busy to take out my wisdom teeth in the two weeks while I was here, my purpose for being home was so much greater than that.

I want to hear the thunder of who You are
To be captured inside the wonder of who You are
I want to live I want to breathe
To search out Your heart and all of Your mysteries

You were the first and You’ll be the end
Time cannot hold You down
Why save a wretch like me?

I'll leave you with a video from an amazing woman that inspires me, Vivian Mah. She made this out of the blue the first day I was gone, and I think I watched it like 20 times and each time I just did this funny combination of smiling and tearing up.

And this, ladies and gentleman, is why I can't tear myself away from Camp Heaven.


(try http://tinypic.com/player.php?v=x4182a&s=4 since fb doesn't show this video.)

Home.

If home is where the heart is, I don't really know where I am right now.

I'm finally back in Howard County, MD for two weeks after spending a month and a week in inner-city Washington D.C. I've never realized just how clean and well-put-together my house is. There's no cracks in my bathtub where the water constantly leaks out. My floors are carpeted. My dining table is bigger than 3'x5'. My granola bars do not have mouse droppings on them.
But wow, do I miss it.

Mary Park wasn't kidding when she told me that it would be a crazy culture shock when I got home. I think our counselors even got a taste of it while shopping at Montgomery Mall together and watching our baby Ronada on CNN using Jeremy's 50' widescreen TV. I felt so out of place in Sandy's house, and when I told her how rich her house felt, she just gave me a chuckle. Because compared to my house, of some of the homes in Potomac, it's really pretty typical.

But we are so rich.
And the funny thing is that we don't even think we are.

Camp Heaven, I miss you. And I just pray that Bryana, Brittany, Rikea, Samara, Destiny, Daynise, Jasmine, Queshawn, Sherian, Kiamonie, Damar'e, Sa 'Niya, Beverly, and Sharnae don't think that I've abandoned them or forgotten about them. Katie Kenna, keep your head up and looking towards God for everything. I know that these two weeks are going to be overwhelming, but I know that you can handle it. I'll be praying for you continually.

I don't even know what to do with myself with these two weeks. I feel like I have so much to catch up on, that I have to frantically call up everybody and spend time with everyone before I leave again. I want to hang out with the middle-schoolers at my church that I love and want to reach out to but never had the commitment or the thought to spend time with them. I want to tell the girls that I've grown up with that I love them and that I haven't forgotten about them. I want to see my Atholton friends again and have noodle parties and watch movies and everything in between. I want to make things right with very important individuals in my life.

I don't want to forget everything I've seen in D.C. I don't want to be the same person that I was five weeks ago. I don't want to make the mistake again that life is about spending money and getting more things and getting tanner and thinner. I don't want to fall asleep again when I feel like I've finally woken up to the greatness of God. I don't want to live my life for meaningless things. I don't want to spend all of my time behind a computer screen when I could meet up with the people I care about and get the real thing.

I guess it's time to find out where my heart is.