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Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Imagine Me.
I'm learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl
I'm finding that You and You alone can break my fall
It's a weird feeling to be so filled with joy and guilt at the same time. To want to run and to stop at the same time.
I don't know if you've ever had those moments when God has made it so blatantly clear to you what He wants you to realize. I'm not sure if I'm having one of those moments, but heck, I haven't written in a while and I find that I forget things so easily if I don't write them down.
I had my fall break this past weekend, and I don't think it could have come at a better time. My parents and I had decided a while back that it wasn't worth the 100-some dollars to fly back home two times in two months, but man, it would have been so nice to come home. It startles me a little sometimes when I accidentally call my Emory dorm room "home," and I just stop and think for a second if it really is home yet. I don't think it is.
With everyone gone for break, campus was basically like a ghost town. But somehow, the whole end of my hall ended up staying on campus, and I must say that spending fall break with them was really incredible.
Yes, we did nothing at all. Yes, we watched The Notebook twice and bawled both times. Yes, we got fat on our junk food and cereal from Publix since the freaking DUC wasn't open all break. Yes, we acted ridiculous and had dance parties to bad music and made complete fools of ourselves. Yes, we didn't do half of the homework that we promised to ourselves that we would. But oh, what a feeling it is to do absolutely nothing but bond with the girls on my floor and feel absolutely no guilt for "wasting time." To wake up so confused after a 4 hour nap to see darkness outside and to just guffaw with my roommate Liz because we slept until 7pm. To have lunch and dinner dates with the cutest little Jewish girl Kala who might as well be Asian with us (shes' going to have better Chinese than me someday) and laugh as we try to rationalize the millions of calories that we're eating.
I have never felt so at peace, so rested, so filled since the day I got here. Thank God for rest.
Just at the time I feel that I'm at peace with the world that's mine
I feel at ease, I feel at home, and I know I'm not alone
But in my rest, there comes a test, that shakes me 'til again I know
That what I am is not enough, and again I've got to grow
I got a very unexpected phone call a few days ago from an adult that I've never spoken to on the phone before. He had called mostly to check up on me and to see how I was doing, but asked me some piercing questions and perhaps unknowingly helped me to remember some very important things about myself. I spoke about Camp Heaven for the first time in a long time, and it broke my heart how easily I've forgotten about something that had been and still is so important to me.
I hate that about myself. I am so affected by my surroundings, and it's so easy for me to adapt to a new environment and almost completely forget about the old one. It's been hard coming from one of the most broken neighborhoods in inner-city D.C. to a brand-new dorm at Emory, surrounded by people that will probably never hear a gunshot their entire lives. It's been hard coming from dino-nuggets and processed Costco food for dinner to a $58 lunch at a Thai restaurant where you have a freaking DRESS CODE and waiters who will fold your napkin and place it in your lap for you.
And I've forgotten. I'm so ashamed to say that I've forgotten.
I ran to Lullwater Park today and just sat by the water and tried to remember this past summer, to remember Little Lights. It broke my heart when I tried to remember all of my girls names that I couldn't for the life of me remember two of the girl's names. It broke my heart that it's only every now and then that I remember to pray for them by name and to remember that some of them will fall into sexual sin earlier than they ever should, that many just hunger for attention and find it in the wrong places. I was so angry with myself that I never did send out letters to them letting them know that I hadn't forgotten about them and that I didn't want to be one of those people that just come into their live and leave as suddenly as they had come.
Jeremy had asked me a few weeks ago if I ever got to process Little Lights and think through what those 7 weeks in D.C. had been. The truth was that I hadn't, that I had gotten sucked into the college life almost instantly, that I hadn't even given it much thought. One thing that he said that really stuck with me was how much of what we do in college in for ourselves. At Little Lights, everything we did was to pour ourselves out for others. The planning I did was for my girls, I had to get rest so that I wouldn't be a zombie for my kids, we tried our best to love on these children even when it wasn't reciprocated. I've never met people who were so eager to serve, to grab all the dirty dishes and start washing them, to have dinner ready at 7 for the other counselors that were exhausted from their camp day, who would lug a mattress up the stairs so that I wouldn't have to keep bringing up the sofa cushions every night.
But everything I'm doing here at Emory is for myself. I'm studying hard so I can get a degree and a good job and money. I go to the gym everyday so that I can feel better about myself. I take forever to respond to things and to keep in touch with people from home because I am lazy and too busy/tired from doing all these things for myself that I think that I can respond another day. And if I haven't already struggled with my own selfishness, you can bet that it's only worse here.
Lord, help me- that I will learn what it means to live unselfishly, to love people simply because Jesus loves them and not because I want something from them. That I will learn to remember who I am and where I come from. That I will not fall into the trap of being lukewarm, that I will have the longing to long after You.
I'm learning to crawl
I'm finding that You and You alone can break my fall
It's a weird feeling to be so filled with joy and guilt at the same time. To want to run and to stop at the same time.
I don't know if you've ever had those moments when God has made it so blatantly clear to you what He wants you to realize. I'm not sure if I'm having one of those moments, but heck, I haven't written in a while and I find that I forget things so easily if I don't write them down.
I had my fall break this past weekend, and I don't think it could have come at a better time. My parents and I had decided a while back that it wasn't worth the 100-some dollars to fly back home two times in two months, but man, it would have been so nice to come home. It startles me a little sometimes when I accidentally call my Emory dorm room "home," and I just stop and think for a second if it really is home yet. I don't think it is.
With everyone gone for break, campus was basically like a ghost town. But somehow, the whole end of my hall ended up staying on campus, and I must say that spending fall break with them was really incredible.
Yes, we did nothing at all. Yes, we watched The Notebook twice and bawled both times. Yes, we got fat on our junk food and cereal from Publix since the freaking DUC wasn't open all break. Yes, we acted ridiculous and had dance parties to bad music and made complete fools of ourselves. Yes, we didn't do half of the homework that we promised to ourselves that we would. But oh, what a feeling it is to do absolutely nothing but bond with the girls on my floor and feel absolutely no guilt for "wasting time." To wake up so confused after a 4 hour nap to see darkness outside and to just guffaw with my roommate Liz because we slept until 7pm. To have lunch and dinner dates with the cutest little Jewish girl Kala who might as well be Asian with us (shes' going to have better Chinese than me someday) and laugh as we try to rationalize the millions of calories that we're eating.
I have never felt so at peace, so rested, so filled since the day I got here. Thank God for rest.
Just at the time I feel that I'm at peace with the world that's mine
I feel at ease, I feel at home, and I know I'm not alone
But in my rest, there comes a test, that shakes me 'til again I know
That what I am is not enough, and again I've got to grow
I got a very unexpected phone call a few days ago from an adult that I've never spoken to on the phone before. He had called mostly to check up on me and to see how I was doing, but asked me some piercing questions and perhaps unknowingly helped me to remember some very important things about myself. I spoke about Camp Heaven for the first time in a long time, and it broke my heart how easily I've forgotten about something that had been and still is so important to me.
I hate that about myself. I am so affected by my surroundings, and it's so easy for me to adapt to a new environment and almost completely forget about the old one. It's been hard coming from one of the most broken neighborhoods in inner-city D.C. to a brand-new dorm at Emory, surrounded by people that will probably never hear a gunshot their entire lives. It's been hard coming from dino-nuggets and processed Costco food for dinner to a $58 lunch at a Thai restaurant where you have a freaking DRESS CODE and waiters who will fold your napkin and place it in your lap for you.
And I've forgotten. I'm so ashamed to say that I've forgotten.
I ran to Lullwater Park today and just sat by the water and tried to remember this past summer, to remember Little Lights. It broke my heart when I tried to remember all of my girls names that I couldn't for the life of me remember two of the girl's names. It broke my heart that it's only every now and then that I remember to pray for them by name and to remember that some of them will fall into sexual sin earlier than they ever should, that many just hunger for attention and find it in the wrong places. I was so angry with myself that I never did send out letters to them letting them know that I hadn't forgotten about them and that I didn't want to be one of those people that just come into their live and leave as suddenly as they had come.
Jeremy had asked me a few weeks ago if I ever got to process Little Lights and think through what those 7 weeks in D.C. had been. The truth was that I hadn't, that I had gotten sucked into the college life almost instantly, that I hadn't even given it much thought. One thing that he said that really stuck with me was how much of what we do in college in for ourselves. At Little Lights, everything we did was to pour ourselves out for others. The planning I did was for my girls, I had to get rest so that I wouldn't be a zombie for my kids, we tried our best to love on these children even when it wasn't reciprocated. I've never met people who were so eager to serve, to grab all the dirty dishes and start washing them, to have dinner ready at 7 for the other counselors that were exhausted from their camp day, who would lug a mattress up the stairs so that I wouldn't have to keep bringing up the sofa cushions every night.
But everything I'm doing here at Emory is for myself. I'm studying hard so I can get a degree and a good job and money. I go to the gym everyday so that I can feel better about myself. I take forever to respond to things and to keep in touch with people from home because I am lazy and too busy/tired from doing all these things for myself that I think that I can respond another day. And if I haven't already struggled with my own selfishness, you can bet that it's only worse here.
Lord, help me- that I will learn what it means to live unselfishly, to love people simply because Jesus loves them and not because I want something from them. That I will learn to remember who I am and where I come from. That I will not fall into the trap of being lukewarm, that I will have the longing to long after You.
O God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need of further grace. I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, that so I may know Thee indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to my soul, `Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away.' Then give me grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long.
In Jesus' name, Amen.
--The Pursuit of God, A.W. Tozer
Thursday, October 2, 2008
College is difficult.
I haven't touched this in quite a while, but every now and then I need to vent and cry online. Not really, but maybe this will help. Please bear with me as I have a personal pity party. It's gonna be a blast especially with that awesome alliteration going on right there. And right there, too. I'll shut up.
I suppose the reason that I'm writing today is to share a personal epiphany - for I am discovering quickly and painfully that I am really kind of dumb. In high school, I was no genius but I got by with pretty decent grades and could easily cram and do well and impress Gloriann with my decent grammar and sentence structure. I actually used to be a pretty smart child up until middle school because reading was my favorite pasttime and my mom would actually threaten to punish me if I didn't stop reading. The one thing I'll make sure to do to my kids is to make sure they're nerdy little bookworms. Anyways. As I grew older, I stopped reading, I stopped knowing what was going on and those that knew me well enough knew that I probably didn't really learn the material until the night before. And after the test, the knowledge just whooshed out of my brain. Yet I could somehow trick people into thinking I was smart because I averaged out a 4.0 every year in high school, whoop dee doo.
Well, now I'm screwed. I had my first real college test last week - a Chem 141 exam with Professor Morkin (who is an amazing professor but the hardest out of the 3 chem teachers) - and I had studied all week for it. And I actually felt really good when I left that test, and kind of assumed that I'd get a B, maybe a C at worst. Then she sends us the answer key a day after and I'm like WHAT THE FREAK I FAILED THAT JUNK. It was the first page that completely killed me - somehow I screwed up ionization energies and got like freaking 6 out of the 23 points on that page because of this chart that had like 3 pts for each little blank and I just botched it up like mad. All the other pages were fine, but yeah I basically failed because of that page. And the part that drives me crazy is that I could have easily gotten an A on that if I were more careful or just less stupid in the head. I don't think I've ever felt so dejected or insecure about my studies, and even though I know this is a hard class, I know I can do better. Haha well at least I basically know that I'm not meant to be pre-med. I probably won't get an A unless I get an A on everything from here on out, which I highly doubt I can do. OH COLLEGE, WHY DO I SUCK AT THEE. Have mercy on me.
Man, I wish I could just be a good student. One that takes good notes instead of copying down every little thing, one that knows what's going on in class and can help other people too instead of being a burden to them. There are so many people here that I look at and I'm just like wow, these people know what they're doing, they have such good habits and know how to learn. And I just wonder why I'm nothing close to that.
The only things here that I have had any success in doing is singing and editing other people's English papers. Sigh yai yai.
I can only hope that I can someday be one of those people here at Emory, that I will be stretched and challenged so much here that I can't help but grow. The transition here has been difficult, I have yet to learn how to manage my time and study what matters.
I miss ya'll back at home. I know that I've absolutely sucked at keeping in touch, things have been hectic and they're only going to get more hectic.
Sometime next week I'll update you guys about the workstudy job that my roommate Liz and I are doing called Jumpstart. The inner-city preschool kids that we're working with are absolutely adorable and remind me of Little Lights kids so much.
Time to destroy this to-do list, and learn how to learn.
Please pray for me.
Inadequacy is quite humbling.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Remember.
I really wish I were better at keeping in touch with people. I don't know what it is - I look at my pictures from home and do this stupid mixture of tearing up and smiling when I think about how I haven't seen you guys in a little more than half a month. There are days when I am so incredibly homesick and wonder what I am doing in Atlanta, and then there are days when I am completely fine. I get amazing messages and emails from people who try to keep in touch with me, yet whenever i open it up to reply to it, I can't bring myself to. I don't know if it's pure laziness, or that I don't think that I can do it justice in the amount of time that I have, but either way it doesn't happen. But wow, people matter. And relationships matter. And it's time for me to stop putting that on hold and thinking that they will take care of themselves. I know it's unrealistic for me to think that I can keep in touch with every person back at home, but I'm going to try to be better at least!
SO. Update for ya'll.
- I now say "ya'll" a lot. Please shoot me.
- I have taught Liz my roommate to add "FOO" at the end of everything that she says. And to fart accidentally when she laughs really hard.
- I got into AHANA A Cappella, which has been incredible and I absolutely love singing with them. I feel like such a noob compared to them. I'll try to get a video sometime but you can totally find their performances on Youtube!
- I am still a club and party virgin. Don't worry, Mommy.
- My floormate are adorable and the bomb diggity bomb. We have dance parties and pig out and don't study at all.
- I have spoken more Cantonese in the past week than I have all summer. WEIRD
- I have finally used an ATM machine for the first time.
- My freshman seminar on Loyalty is killing me because it's all about discussion and I can't even get a word in whenever we talk and I suck at politics. But wow, I've never had to do so much reading on politics before and it's actually really interesting. I'M LEARNING YAY
- Microeconomics is going to be an adventure. I have to learn to stay awake and understand fobby Korean accents AFKSDJFlksdjf
- My chemistry teacher is amazing but I'm probably going to die in that class, no lie.
- I have exercised so much more than I ever had before, except I used to not exercise at all so it's really not that much exercise at all.
- I also ate an entire box of cereal (Oh's, the BEST CEREAL EVER) in less than 2 days. ASDFSA?JLDFKsajdlkfj
- I have not slept before 3 since I have been here.
- And yet I still wake up at 8:30 half of the time. GAH
- I get really sad when I open up my mailbox and nothing is inside. Please send me surprises. :D
PO BOX 121972
605 Asbury Circle
Atlanta, GA 30322
Time to finish the other 2 pages of my paper due tomorrow yippeeeeeeeeeeee
I miss you guys. But God has been good to me here at Emory. I'll share my struggles in a later post, but for now please pray that I can still find God here even when I am surrounded by a lifestyle where it seems like I don't really need Him.
Love ya'll, miss ya'll, see ya'll soon. :)
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
See you later.
I don't think I'll ever be able to describe the feeling you get when you watch your family drive away from you for the first time in your life. I wanted to run after them, but I knew that would look pretty loserish to the orientation leaders that were standing outside with me. I wanted to cry because you can't have a monumental moment without crying, but all I could feel was my heart sinking as they drove farther and farther away. I've found that I never can cry at the right times. All I feel is emptiness, and the tears come later when no one can see them, making me look like a heartless icewoman. Which is true, sometimes. But wow, going up the elevator to my room alone was one of the hardest things to do.
It's so weird, to realize that I am alone in this dorm room for the next 3 days, that not until Saturday will it finally hit me that I am in college, that I am not allowed to be a child any longer. For me, it's bothersome to make new friends. If you knew me in high school, I was so incredibly quiet until senior year. I'm so scared of being alone, and even more scared of being rejected. God, help me.
But here I am, at a college that I am getting more and more excited about the longer that I'm here, sitting in a BALLIN' dorm room that has one of the most beautiful views of campus, awaiting the arrival of an incredible roommate, and about to face a year that will completely change my life.
Yes, pictures are coming, and yes a video will be coming.
But not until I get over the shock, and not until my heart stops feeling like it weighs a thousand lbs.
Goodbye to you,
Goodbye to everything that I knew
I wanted to write a letter to everybody before I left, but only managed to write to a few. I hated that my goodbyes seemed so unfulfilled and so unreal, but this is so far from being a goodbye. And if you're reading this, you can be pretty sure that I'm missing you a lot right now. Unless you're really annoying or somebody that randomly friended me on Facebook that I don't even know but accepted anyways. Just kidding, you're included.
Ugh, a good cry right now would be so liberating. But when have my tear ducts ever cooperated?
CBC, grow in ways that you never thought you could. Worship leaders, step it up and don't ever be afraid to look like a fool for Christ. Junior high girls, I can't wait to see you when I get back and see how much you've grown and gorgeous-ified. Mother, make me proud. CASES, shandylyn, carshandylyn, JACESS, spazmonkeys, I love you and I always will. My fellow seniors, it's time to be babies again and soak up everything that we can. Rising seniors, it's up to you, now. Adam and Ashley, take care of our teens group. Shannon, take care of this worship team.
See you later. :)
It's so weird, to realize that I am alone in this dorm room for the next 3 days, that not until Saturday will it finally hit me that I am in college, that I am not allowed to be a child any longer. For me, it's bothersome to make new friends. If you knew me in high school, I was so incredibly quiet until senior year. I'm so scared of being alone, and even more scared of being rejected. God, help me.
But here I am, at a college that I am getting more and more excited about the longer that I'm here, sitting in a BALLIN' dorm room that has one of the most beautiful views of campus, awaiting the arrival of an incredible roommate, and about to face a year that will completely change my life.
Yes, pictures are coming, and yes a video will be coming.
But not until I get over the shock, and not until my heart stops feeling like it weighs a thousand lbs.
Goodbye to you,
Goodbye to everything that I knew
I wanted to write a letter to everybody before I left, but only managed to write to a few. I hated that my goodbyes seemed so unfulfilled and so unreal, but this is so far from being a goodbye. And if you're reading this, you can be pretty sure that I'm missing you a lot right now. Unless you're really annoying or somebody that randomly friended me on Facebook that I don't even know but accepted anyways. Just kidding, you're included.
Ugh, a good cry right now would be so liberating. But when have my tear ducts ever cooperated?
CBC, grow in ways that you never thought you could. Worship leaders, step it up and don't ever be afraid to look like a fool for Christ. Junior high girls, I can't wait to see you when I get back and see how much you've grown and gorgeous-ified. Mother, make me proud. CASES, shandylyn, carshandylyn, JACESS, spazmonkeys, I love you and I always will. My fellow seniors, it's time to be babies again and soak up everything that we can. Rising seniors, it's up to you, now. Adam and Ashley, take care of our teens group. Shannon, take care of this worship team.
See you later. :)
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Holes Inside.
I need to stop waking up at ridiculous hours in the morning.
It's crazy how much two little holes in your gums can completely affect your life. Yesterday afternoon, the stitches in my left wisdom tooth hole came out - I don't know if it was my fault, if I tried to eat normal food too quickly, or if I smiled or laughed too much, but they fell out and I was like oh boo but didn't think much of it.
During debriefing time last night, which was like 2 hours long, I had this odd sensation that my left gum was growing right over top of my teeth and I was like whoa nelly what is going on but of course I am a good-mannered little Chinese girl and chose to sit there in silence with a weird look on my face as I tried to peel back this new gum with my tongue. I finally run upstairs after we're done and open my mouth and am absolutely horrified to see that there is a huge congealed mass of blood covering the left side of my bottom teeth. As I gasp and frantically try to wash it out and more blood than I've ever seen keeps pouring out of this stupid hole in my mouth, I must convince myself in the mirror that I am not a vampire.
It's funny how helpless you can feel because of your own stupid body. The bleeding just kept gushing out for the next 6 hours, and I literally felt like life was being drained out of me. And I just got so angry, because I didn't know how to stop it, because I foolishly emptied my gauze out of my bag at home thinking that I wouldn't really need it, because paper towels and blood taste absolutely horrible after a while. And I was so scared to go to sleep because I thought I would wake up with a mouth filled to the brim with red goodness and just drown in it and die. But I managed to sleep, and I woke up this morning very disgusted once again but praise God that absolutely none of it is on my pillow or sleeping bag. I'm still not very sure how that happened.
If you ever have a moment in your day, please pray that this thing will heal miraculously and speedily so that I can go to Six Flags with my girls for the last time ever and not be a burden and gushing from the mouth the entire time. Please pray that this light-headedness from losing so much blood will go away, and that if it doesn't - that I will not be bitter and will be able to realize if it will really be better for my kids if I choose to stay home. But bah, I hate that option.
Mother, if you're reading this, please do not kill me. I tried to keep it healthy and clean but I don't really know what happened. :[
Man, I could never be an oral surgeon. Teeth, blood, and gums are absolutely repulsive.
During debriefing time last night, which was like 2 hours long, I had this odd sensation that my left gum was growing right over top of my teeth and I was like whoa nelly what is going on but of course I am a good-mannered little Chinese girl and chose to sit there in silence with a weird look on my face as I tried to peel back this new gum with my tongue. I finally run upstairs after we're done and open my mouth and am absolutely horrified to see that there is a huge congealed mass of blood covering the left side of my bottom teeth. As I gasp and frantically try to wash it out and more blood than I've ever seen keeps pouring out of this stupid hole in my mouth, I must convince myself in the mirror that I am not a vampire.
It's funny how helpless you can feel because of your own stupid body. The bleeding just kept gushing out for the next 6 hours, and I literally felt like life was being drained out of me. And I just got so angry, because I didn't know how to stop it, because I foolishly emptied my gauze out of my bag at home thinking that I wouldn't really need it, because paper towels and blood taste absolutely horrible after a while. And I was so scared to go to sleep because I thought I would wake up with a mouth filled to the brim with red goodness and just drown in it and die. But I managed to sleep, and I woke up this morning very disgusted once again but praise God that absolutely none of it is on my pillow or sleeping bag. I'm still not very sure how that happened.
If you ever have a moment in your day, please pray that this thing will heal miraculously and speedily so that I can go to Six Flags with my girls for the last time ever and not be a burden and gushing from the mouth the entire time. Please pray that this light-headedness from losing so much blood will go away, and that if it doesn't - that I will not be bitter and will be able to realize if it will really be better for my kids if I choose to stay home. But bah, I hate that option.
Mother, if you're reading this, please do not kill me. I tried to keep it healthy and clean but I don't really know what happened. :[
Man, I could never be an oral surgeon. Teeth, blood, and gums are absolutely repulsive.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Gotta lub that chub.
I got my wisdom teeth pulled about 30 hours ago, but it is only now that I am finally in a somewhat decent state of mind to document my escapades as a bunny. HERE WE GO.
I love how my last meal before I turned into a bunny was the most delicious dinner by Auntie Carol for all of the Little Lights counselors. And that she so happened to come by the ministry house on that Thursday so I could catch a ride with her back home instead of making my dad drive all the way out to D.C. like he had been doing for so many weeks. Mm, funny how God works little things out like that. Oh, and Josh Tseng and his mother are officially the most hilarious people to get lost in D.C. with, hands down.
---------------------------------------
So I might as well get this over with. Get all your laughs now, you sick people.
Are you ready?
Because if you laugh, I will have to destroy you by throwing my huge face in your direction and knocking you out with all 10 pounds of it. Just kidding, but not really.
BEFORE. (Exhibit A)
AFTER. (Exhibit B)
The following will be a documentary of how the heck Exhibit A turned into Exhibit B. May your ridiculing laughter subside by the time this is over.
Day 1
So Daddy wakes me up at 7:15 the next morning to meet my doom at NIH. I decided that it would be a great idea to take a before and after picture to more clearly document the ballooning of my face. (see above) I get seated on this amazingly comfortable bed with a tv strapped to it, and I begin watching The Fresh Prince of Bel Air because it is awesome. I barely get through 10 minutes of it when it's time to put in the IV and I get to experience what old people feel like in a hospital when they have to go to the bathroom. My hilarious Indian doctor, Dr. Brahim, tells me that my IV stand rolly thing is my boyfriend for the day and will go with me everywhere.
my super comfy bed and hooked up to the iv
i got a nice crest thing goin on
Dr. Brahim is probably one of the funniest men I will ever meet. He is balding with cool grandpa glasses, but has the most awesome Indian accent and knows how to make me laugh despite the intense butterflies in my stomach. I'm so glad that he was the one to cut open my gums. <3 9am hits, and I get sent into the operation room. Dr. Brahim puts a sedative into my IV that "makes me comfortable." Basically, the closest things to drugs I will ever experience. It felt very cool. And I fell asleep, but it was like a twilight sleep thing so I could respond and open my mouth whenever they told me to. The left wisdom tooth was fine, they cruised through that, but halfway through my operation I just started to wake up, and I don't know if the sedative just stopped working or whatnot but AHH I felt like I could feel them breaking into my gum and into my tooth and I just started crying right there. That was horrible. My operation was longer than planned, and Dr. Brahim said that my teeth were incredibly hard to get out because of their orientation and position. They were basically completely turned on their side, and it looked pretty horrific in the x-ray so I'm not surprised that it hurt like a mother to get them out. I had to spend an hour in the recovery room before I could leave, and when I got up to go to the bathroom, I just gave this huge moan when I looked in the mirror because I had this weird idea that MAYBE I would be special and not swell up so much. But oh, how wrong I was.
I finally get out of that building and go home, while my dad gives me glances and just chuckles to himself. I get home, collapse on my bed, and sleep for about 15 hours with little breaks in between where my dad comes up with yogurt and this dreadful Ibuprofen medication that makes me want to vomit. Yesterday's diet consisted of two yogurts and a Slimfast. Whenever I attempt to get up and do something, I just get mad headaches and feel like throwing up and I run back to my bed. Haha like I wasn't even sleepy, but sleeping made my head stop pounding so I just stayed glued to my pillow the whole day.
Day 2.
This morning was rough. I wake up at about 5am, realize that I haven't showered yet, so I get out of bed to do so. But in the process, I end up puking all of my Slimfast into the toilet. It's a slightly liberating feeling though, to finally be able to vomit the thing that's been plaguing your stomach for the entire day. Anyways, when I finally get in the shower, I end up spending an extra 15 minutes just sitting on the shower floor with my head in my hands and water hitting my back. Boo, I seriously wanted to rip out my brain and my stomach to just make the pain go away. And the stupid thing was that it wasn't even my teeth that hurt, just everything else.
So the past day and a half have sucked, for lack of a better word. But somehow, my dad managed to drag me out of bed and have me make mac n' cheese by myself in an effort to have something to do. And then we watched Shooter together with Mark Wahlberg, which was an awesome movie except for the slightly weird ending where he just ends up killing everyone and that's the end. And now I feel 10 times better, especially because of Richa Shah.
Wow, I am so blessed to have a friend that will go out of her way to drop by your house just to see how you're doing, that will be there for you exactly the moment you need her. I heard a knock on the door, and open it to find Richa, with a vase of flowers and a Get Well Soon balloon in hand. I can't even tell you how much that made my day. And somehow, we haven't gotten to see each other all summer, but I absolutely loved those fifteen minutes. They were probably responsible for turning my day around. :) So thank you, you beautiful woman! I will do as your balloon commands. <3
iloverichashah<3
And the person I probably have to thank most of all is my dad. Wow, I love that man. For this past day and a half I have just been a vegetable, but he walks up the stairs over and over again to bring me yogurt, bring my medicine, prop my head up on a pillow, put new ice in my ice pack, reheat my hot pack, stroke my cheek and laugh at how I look like the Nemo on that blanket that he tucks me in. "I'm your butler, Lum Lum!" What an incredible man. I don't know if my parents are getting awesomer or if some part of me is starting to realize that I won't truly be living with them this way ever again. Weird how I have to turn into a bunny to realize how truly amazing my daddy is.
greatest man ever
There's no way my swelling will go down by tomorrow, so I will bring a paper bag to church. Or just endure the laughs and pointing of fingers.
And this concludes my adventures as Carolyn the bunny/Nemo/fat thing.
Please be gentle when you see me tomorrow.
Only if you want to live, that is.
I love how my last meal before I turned into a bunny was the most delicious dinner by Auntie Carol for all of the Little Lights counselors. And that she so happened to come by the ministry house on that Thursday so I could catch a ride with her back home instead of making my dad drive all the way out to D.C. like he had been doing for so many weeks. Mm, funny how God works little things out like that. Oh, and Josh Tseng and his mother are officially the most hilarious people to get lost in D.C. with, hands down.
---------------------------------------
So I might as well get this over with. Get all your laughs now, you sick people.
Are you ready?
Because if you laugh, I will have to destroy you by throwing my huge face in your direction and knocking you out with all 10 pounds of it. Just kidding, but not really.
BEFORE. (Exhibit A)
AFTER. (Exhibit B)
The following will be a documentary of how the heck Exhibit A turned into Exhibit B. May your ridiculing laughter subside by the time this is over.
Day 1
So Daddy wakes me up at 7:15 the next morning to meet my doom at NIH. I decided that it would be a great idea to take a before and after picture to more clearly document the ballooning of my face. (see above) I get seated on this amazingly comfortable bed with a tv strapped to it, and I begin watching The Fresh Prince of Bel Air because it is awesome. I barely get through 10 minutes of it when it's time to put in the IV and I get to experience what old people feel like in a hospital when they have to go to the bathroom. My hilarious Indian doctor, Dr. Brahim, tells me that my IV stand rolly thing is my boyfriend for the day and will go with me everywhere.
my super comfy bed and hooked up to the iv
i got a nice crest thing goin on
Dr. Brahim is probably one of the funniest men I will ever meet. He is balding with cool grandpa glasses, but has the most awesome Indian accent and knows how to make me laugh despite the intense butterflies in my stomach. I'm so glad that he was the one to cut open my gums. <3 9am hits, and I get sent into the operation room. Dr. Brahim puts a sedative into my IV that "makes me comfortable." Basically, the closest things to drugs I will ever experience. It felt very cool. And I fell asleep, but it was like a twilight sleep thing so I could respond and open my mouth whenever they told me to. The left wisdom tooth was fine, they cruised through that, but halfway through my operation I just started to wake up, and I don't know if the sedative just stopped working or whatnot but AHH I felt like I could feel them breaking into my gum and into my tooth and I just started crying right there. That was horrible. My operation was longer than planned, and Dr. Brahim said that my teeth were incredibly hard to get out because of their orientation and position. They were basically completely turned on their side, and it looked pretty horrific in the x-ray so I'm not surprised that it hurt like a mother to get them out. I had to spend an hour in the recovery room before I could leave, and when I got up to go to the bathroom, I just gave this huge moan when I looked in the mirror because I had this weird idea that MAYBE I would be special and not swell up so much. But oh, how wrong I was.
I finally get out of that building and go home, while my dad gives me glances and just chuckles to himself. I get home, collapse on my bed, and sleep for about 15 hours with little breaks in between where my dad comes up with yogurt and this dreadful Ibuprofen medication that makes me want to vomit. Yesterday's diet consisted of two yogurts and a Slimfast. Whenever I attempt to get up and do something, I just get mad headaches and feel like throwing up and I run back to my bed. Haha like I wasn't even sleepy, but sleeping made my head stop pounding so I just stayed glued to my pillow the whole day.
Day 2.
This morning was rough. I wake up at about 5am, realize that I haven't showered yet, so I get out of bed to do so. But in the process, I end up puking all of my Slimfast into the toilet. It's a slightly liberating feeling though, to finally be able to vomit the thing that's been plaguing your stomach for the entire day. Anyways, when I finally get in the shower, I end up spending an extra 15 minutes just sitting on the shower floor with my head in my hands and water hitting my back. Boo, I seriously wanted to rip out my brain and my stomach to just make the pain go away. And the stupid thing was that it wasn't even my teeth that hurt, just everything else.
So the past day and a half have sucked, for lack of a better word. But somehow, my dad managed to drag me out of bed and have me make mac n' cheese by myself in an effort to have something to do. And then we watched Shooter together with Mark Wahlberg, which was an awesome movie except for the slightly weird ending where he just ends up killing everyone and that's the end. And now I feel 10 times better, especially because of Richa Shah.
Wow, I am so blessed to have a friend that will go out of her way to drop by your house just to see how you're doing, that will be there for you exactly the moment you need her. I heard a knock on the door, and open it to find Richa, with a vase of flowers and a Get Well Soon balloon in hand. I can't even tell you how much that made my day. And somehow, we haven't gotten to see each other all summer, but I absolutely loved those fifteen minutes. They were probably responsible for turning my day around. :) So thank you, you beautiful woman! I will do as your balloon commands. <3
iloverichashah<3
And the person I probably have to thank most of all is my dad. Wow, I love that man. For this past day and a half I have just been a vegetable, but he walks up the stairs over and over again to bring me yogurt, bring my medicine, prop my head up on a pillow, put new ice in my ice pack, reheat my hot pack, stroke my cheek and laugh at how I look like the Nemo on that blanket that he tucks me in. "I'm your butler, Lum Lum!" What an incredible man. I don't know if my parents are getting awesomer or if some part of me is starting to realize that I won't truly be living with them this way ever again. Weird how I have to turn into a bunny to realize how truly amazing my daddy is.
greatest man ever
There's no way my swelling will go down by tomorrow, so I will bring a paper bag to church. Or just endure the laughs and pointing of fingers.
And this concludes my adventures as Carolyn the bunny/Nemo/fat thing.
Please be gentle when you see me tomorrow.
Only if you want to live, that is.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
To be a pancreas.
In four days, I depart back to Washington D.C. I'm not exactly sure exactly how I feel about leaving, but I do know that no part of me regrets being gone for 7 weeks of this summer with Little Lights - as much as I love the people of CBC, as much as I'm bummed that I never got to hang out with some of the girls from Atholton that I miss so much, as much as I feel that these four days are the last four days I'll truly get to spend with the people I've grown to love.
And sometimes I feel like all I've done is abandon people. I felt like I abandoned my 7-9 girls and my Camp Heaven counselors when I left for home last Sunday, and now I feel like I'm abandoning my teens group and our new worship team and the people that I've grown up with for literally my entire life. I feel like I'm abandoning the drama team by choosing to get my wisdom teeth removed the first day of CEF retreat instead of the last week of Camp. I feel like I'm abandoning my relationships and not giving them a fair chance.
And I hate leaving. I hate feeling like I've disappointed people, partly because of this subconscious need I have to gain approval and to please people, and partly because some stupid part of me actually believes that I can change things, that things will be worser off if I'm gone.
But God, I'm such a prideful person. I don't think I've realized it until this year, but so much of what I do revolves around putting up this front, this mask - that I am alright, that I have it together, that I have God and He has me and everything is just fine and dandy and flowers and rainbows. I've always struggled with sincerity - with doing things purely for the sake of others and for the glory of God, and not thinking at all about what it will do for me, if it will make me look like a better person, if I will get this satisfaction of knowing that I did something well. And I hate to acknowledge that side of me, but it's been driving me crazy.
Cuz I don't want you to know where I am
Cuz then you'd see my heart in the saddest state it's ever been.
I wish I could be completely real - with people, with God, with myself. I don't want to be a Pharisee that just honors my God with my lips, but my heart is far from Him. I don't want to be caught up in appearances, in having this shallow faith where I do devotions just to fill this God quota that I have in the back of my mind.
I can't wait for the day when all that I do is solely for the glory of God, that I would find satisfaction not in myself, but in the grace that He's poured out on this messed up child of His.
This past Sunday, our youth director Debby gave a personal sermon to each of the seniors. And when she got to mine, I really started to squirm in my seat. It's so weird, to have a sermon preached to you that brings to light every part of your heart that other people may not always see but you know is there. She called me out on guys, on my pride, on the spotlight that I seem to have even when I don't realize it. She told me that I'm like a right hand in the church - that everybody sees the right hand and all that it does, and it gets a lot of recognition and can often steal the spotlight. But oh, to be a pancreas. The little organ whose function nobody really knows. To honor the one that not everybody recognizes when they do their work, the one that's behind the scenes and easily forgotten. That sermon in itself was humbling, but even more humbling was the fact that I really don't know anything about humility at all.
May God reveal that to me this summer, as much as I hate praying that prayer because God really does follow through on it.
But as much as I wished to be at the ministry house with the other counselors, especially when things were crazy and frightening in that neighborhood, I think I've learned so much more than I thought I would while I was at home. It was a challenge to see if I would really live differently and changed after I was taken out of an environment in D.C. where I was surrounded by those who loved Jesus, if I could really love not just these kids but anybody that was around me. I've discovered that the sixth-grade girls in my teens group are beautiful and amazing and so fun to be around, that they are freaking talented at guitar and have such an enthusiasm to learn that it inspires even me. I've been given the chance to meet up with people that I haven't really talked to in years, and to find that we are so incredibly similar in so many ways, and that I've really missed out on a lot of years of friendship. I've found that I'm finally getting to know people that I've always "known" but never had the motivation to go deeper and find out how they think, what they fear, what they love.
But I am so thankful for these two weeks. Even though there were some days where I couldn't help but wonder why the heck I'm in this rich, safe, suburban neighborhood while the people I work and love with were in the midst of darkness and brokenness and fear, and I couldn't be with them.
Yet I'm starting to understand why I'm here. Why even though my dentist was too busy to take out my wisdom teeth in the two weeks while I was here, my purpose for being home was so much greater than that.
I want to hear the thunder of who You are
To be captured inside the wonder of who You are
I want to live I want to breathe
To search out Your heart and all of Your mysteries
You were the first and You’ll be the end
Time cannot hold You down
Why save a wretch like me?
I'll leave you with a video from an amazing woman that inspires me, Vivian Mah. She made this out of the blue the first day I was gone, and I think I watched it like 20 times and each time I just did this funny combination of smiling and tearing up.
And this, ladies and gentleman, is why I can't tear myself away from Camp Heaven.
(try http://tinypic.com/player.php?v=x4182a&s=4 since fb doesn't show this video.)
And sometimes I feel like all I've done is abandon people. I felt like I abandoned my 7-9 girls and my Camp Heaven counselors when I left for home last Sunday, and now I feel like I'm abandoning my teens group and our new worship team and the people that I've grown up with for literally my entire life. I feel like I'm abandoning the drama team by choosing to get my wisdom teeth removed the first day of CEF retreat instead of the last week of Camp. I feel like I'm abandoning my relationships and not giving them a fair chance.
And I hate leaving. I hate feeling like I've disappointed people, partly because of this subconscious need I have to gain approval and to please people, and partly because some stupid part of me actually believes that I can change things, that things will be worser off if I'm gone.
But God, I'm such a prideful person. I don't think I've realized it until this year, but so much of what I do revolves around putting up this front, this mask - that I am alright, that I have it together, that I have God and He has me and everything is just fine and dandy and flowers and rainbows. I've always struggled with sincerity - with doing things purely for the sake of others and for the glory of God, and not thinking at all about what it will do for me, if it will make me look like a better person, if I will get this satisfaction of knowing that I did something well. And I hate to acknowledge that side of me, but it's been driving me crazy.
Cuz I don't want you to know where I am
Cuz then you'd see my heart in the saddest state it's ever been.
I wish I could be completely real - with people, with God, with myself. I don't want to be a Pharisee that just honors my God with my lips, but my heart is far from Him. I don't want to be caught up in appearances, in having this shallow faith where I do devotions just to fill this God quota that I have in the back of my mind.
I can't wait for the day when all that I do is solely for the glory of God, that I would find satisfaction not in myself, but in the grace that He's poured out on this messed up child of His.
This past Sunday, our youth director Debby gave a personal sermon to each of the seniors. And when she got to mine, I really started to squirm in my seat. It's so weird, to have a sermon preached to you that brings to light every part of your heart that other people may not always see but you know is there. She called me out on guys, on my pride, on the spotlight that I seem to have even when I don't realize it. She told me that I'm like a right hand in the church - that everybody sees the right hand and all that it does, and it gets a lot of recognition and can often steal the spotlight. But oh, to be a pancreas. The little organ whose function nobody really knows. To honor the one that not everybody recognizes when they do their work, the one that's behind the scenes and easily forgotten. That sermon in itself was humbling, but even more humbling was the fact that I really don't know anything about humility at all.
May God reveal that to me this summer, as much as I hate praying that prayer because God really does follow through on it.
But as much as I wished to be at the ministry house with the other counselors, especially when things were crazy and frightening in that neighborhood, I think I've learned so much more than I thought I would while I was at home. It was a challenge to see if I would really live differently and changed after I was taken out of an environment in D.C. where I was surrounded by those who loved Jesus, if I could really love not just these kids but anybody that was around me. I've discovered that the sixth-grade girls in my teens group are beautiful and amazing and so fun to be around, that they are freaking talented at guitar and have such an enthusiasm to learn that it inspires even me. I've been given the chance to meet up with people that I haven't really talked to in years, and to find that we are so incredibly similar in so many ways, and that I've really missed out on a lot of years of friendship. I've found that I'm finally getting to know people that I've always "known" but never had the motivation to go deeper and find out how they think, what they fear, what they love.
But I am so thankful for these two weeks. Even though there were some days where I couldn't help but wonder why the heck I'm in this rich, safe, suburban neighborhood while the people I work and love with were in the midst of darkness and brokenness and fear, and I couldn't be with them.
Yet I'm starting to understand why I'm here. Why even though my dentist was too busy to take out my wisdom teeth in the two weeks while I was here, my purpose for being home was so much greater than that.
I want to hear the thunder of who You are
To be captured inside the wonder of who You are
I want to live I want to breathe
To search out Your heart and all of Your mysteries
You were the first and You’ll be the end
Time cannot hold You down
Why save a wretch like me?
I'll leave you with a video from an amazing woman that inspires me, Vivian Mah. She made this out of the blue the first day I was gone, and I think I watched it like 20 times and each time I just did this funny combination of smiling and tearing up.
And this, ladies and gentleman, is why I can't tear myself away from Camp Heaven.
(try http://tinypic.com/player.php?v=x4182a&s=4 since fb doesn't show this video.)
Monday, July 14, 2008
Home.
If home is where the heart is, I don't really know where I am right now.
I'm finally back in Howard County, MD for two weeks after spending a month and a week in inner-city Washington D.C. I've never realized just how clean and well-put-together my house is. There's no cracks in my bathtub where the water constantly leaks out. My floors are carpeted. My dining table is bigger than 3'x5'. My granola bars do not have mouse droppings on them.
But wow, do I miss it.
Mary Park wasn't kidding when she told me that it would be a crazy culture shock when I got home. I think our counselors even got a taste of it while shopping at Montgomery Mall together and watching our baby Ronada on CNN using Jeremy's 50' widescreen TV. I felt so out of place in Sandy's house, and when I told her how rich her house felt, she just gave me a chuckle. Because compared to my house, of some of the homes in Potomac, it's really pretty typical.
But we are so rich.
And the funny thing is that we don't even think we are.
Camp Heaven, I miss you. And I just pray that Bryana, Brittany, Rikea, Samara, Destiny, Daynise, Jasmine, Queshawn, Sherian, Kiamonie, Damar'e, Sa 'Niya, Beverly, and Sharnae don't think that I've abandoned them or forgotten about them. Katie Kenna, keep your head up and looking towards God for everything. I know that these two weeks are going to be overwhelming, but I know that you can handle it. I'll be praying for you continually.
I don't even know what to do with myself with these two weeks. I feel like I have so much to catch up on, that I have to frantically call up everybody and spend time with everyone before I leave again. I want to hang out with the middle-schoolers at my church that I love and want to reach out to but never had the commitment or the thought to spend time with them. I want to tell the girls that I've grown up with that I love them and that I haven't forgotten about them. I want to see my Atholton friends again and have noodle parties and watch movies and everything in between. I want to make things right with very important individuals in my life.
I don't want to forget everything I've seen in D.C. I don't want to be the same person that I was five weeks ago. I don't want to make the mistake again that life is about spending money and getting more things and getting tanner and thinner. I don't want to fall asleep again when I feel like I've finally woken up to the greatness of God. I don't want to live my life for meaningless things. I don't want to spend all of my time behind a computer screen when I could meet up with the people I care about and get the real thing.
I guess it's time to find out where my heart is.
I'm finally back in Howard County, MD for two weeks after spending a month and a week in inner-city Washington D.C. I've never realized just how clean and well-put-together my house is. There's no cracks in my bathtub where the water constantly leaks out. My floors are carpeted. My dining table is bigger than 3'x5'. My granola bars do not have mouse droppings on them.
But wow, do I miss it.
Mary Park wasn't kidding when she told me that it would be a crazy culture shock when I got home. I think our counselors even got a taste of it while shopping at Montgomery Mall together and watching our baby Ronada on CNN using Jeremy's 50' widescreen TV. I felt so out of place in Sandy's house, and when I told her how rich her house felt, she just gave me a chuckle. Because compared to my house, of some of the homes in Potomac, it's really pretty typical.
But we are so rich.
And the funny thing is that we don't even think we are.
Camp Heaven, I miss you. And I just pray that Bryana, Brittany, Rikea, Samara, Destiny, Daynise, Jasmine, Queshawn, Sherian, Kiamonie, Damar'e, Sa 'Niya, Beverly, and Sharnae don't think that I've abandoned them or forgotten about them. Katie Kenna, keep your head up and looking towards God for everything. I know that these two weeks are going to be overwhelming, but I know that you can handle it. I'll be praying for you continually.
I don't even know what to do with myself with these two weeks. I feel like I have so much to catch up on, that I have to frantically call up everybody and spend time with everyone before I leave again. I want to hang out with the middle-schoolers at my church that I love and want to reach out to but never had the commitment or the thought to spend time with them. I want to tell the girls that I've grown up with that I love them and that I haven't forgotten about them. I want to see my Atholton friends again and have noodle parties and watch movies and everything in between. I want to make things right with very important individuals in my life.
I don't want to forget everything I've seen in D.C. I don't want to be the same person that I was five weeks ago. I don't want to make the mistake again that life is about spending money and getting more things and getting tanner and thinner. I don't want to fall asleep again when I feel like I've finally woken up to the greatness of God. I don't want to live my life for meaningless things. I don't want to spend all of my time behind a computer screen when I could meet up with the people I care about and get the real thing.
I guess it's time to find out where my heart is.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Empty-handed But Alive in Your Hands
I'm just sitting here in silence because I really don't even know how to even begin writing about these last three days. What a week of extremities - and I know that it's only going to be more so as we finish out our first week of camp. I didn't get a chance to finish writing about all our counselors, or more about the ministry house that we live in, or what we've been doing here. And for the sake of time and the fact that I have another crazy day of camp tomorrow, I'll try to summarize!
First off, I just found out that a rat/mouse went through my entire bag of granola bars and fruit snacks and TORE THAT THING UP. It even left little droppings. Oh, goody. I think by the time I come back, I will be immune to the following things: flying ants, cockroaches, mice, spiders, daddy-long-legs, angry children, etc. But there's something about this ministry house that I absolutely love. I love how all of us counselors just meet up in the common room every night, eating dinner on this tiny 4' x 3' coffee table, and just sharing hilarious stories and guffawing (such a great word) with each other, basking in each others' weirdness and killing flying ants with each other. I love how all of us are so different, from different states and completely different backgrounds - but our purpose is the same. There are so many people here that I just look at in amazement and wonder how God made them to be so incredible and have such a heart for Him and His people. Wow, a flying ant just landed on my keyboard. And I totally just killed 3 and killed another in a cup and it was weird. INFESTATION AHHH
I suppose I should get to the meat of all this, and the reason why I felt compelled to write a stupid blog post even when I should be getting my rest. This week has been our first week of official camp, and it's been three days since I met all of the girls in my group (girls ages 7-9).
But first, let's start on the weekend before Monday. Sunday night, I was a complete mess. I worried more in that day than I have about anything else - while half of us felt incredibly excited for camp to start, I just had this horrible burden on my heart that I was going to completely and utterly fail, that I wouldn't be able to love these kids like Jesus would, that I would either flip out and be angry with them or I would just give into them and let them run all over me. We had praise and prayer that night that completely broke me down, and as we sang the song "Majesty," I just started bawling as I sang those lyrics and snot was running everywhere and oh my goodness. But for the first time since I had been here, I finally had peace.
Day 1: One of the things I've been praying about lately is that God would humble me. I have been praying that He would break me, that He would stretch me and challenge me like I've never been before. But what a dangerous prayer that is - because I think God is really going to follow through on that. I think that I secretly have a problem with pride -- it doesn't show too much outwardly, and I don't think I even realize it sometimes. But I try so hard not to fail, and for the most part, I don't. But even in the way that I work with people - I think that things have to be a certain way, that they have to be my way. I always think I can do things on my own. I always think that I know what's best for me and for the people around me. Honestly, I do a pretty good job of making people think that I have it together and that I'm spiritual enough. But sometimes I wonder if I'm just a Pharisee in disguise, that maybe I just wear this mask of spirituality because I'm a worship leader and have always been involved in the church. All my life, pastors and counselors and mentors have all told me that I have to let go of my control on my life and give it up to God. But wow, how do you even do that? Even when I pray for that to happen, I still do what I think is best, and for the most part, it works out.
But oh, how God delivered on the first day of camp.
2 words:
Complete.
Chaos.
Never have I felt so inadequate in my life.
I left that day feeling so emotionally and physically drained. If I could feel emotion, I'd feel so much embarrassment for the mess that was our first day.
We had 11 girls show up for registration: Bryanna, Brittany, Rikea, Beverly, Taquita, Sa'Niya, Samara, Damar'e, Queshawn, Destiny, and Sharnae. I knew about half of them from last year, and chose to work with this group because I remembered that I had really enjoyed taking care of Damar'e, Queshawn, and Sa'Niya last year. We headed over to Garfield Park and I got to know some of the girls - one girl in particular that I spent the most time with one-on-one was Brittany. And she really opened up to me, and told me openly about her family and what was going on with her life. But once she met up with the other girls, she seemed to turn into a completely different girl. And that's how it is with most of these girls - by themselves, I know that they can be so well-behaved and just a joy to work with, but there are so many divisions in that group, and so many girls just really do not get along with some of the other ones, and things started to turn upside-down.
These girls have so much spunk, so much attitude. And for the most part, I love that about them. But holy crap - when that's left uncontrolled, completely and utter chaos ensues. During our small group, Katie and I just got completely walked on by those girls. The fighting between them just never stopped, they had little to no respect for us, and we had no idea what to do. I've never been put in the position where I have to enforce strict and complete discipline, and as a result, there was just no structure and the girls went haywire. And I just wanted to tear out all my hair and roll it into a ball and set it on fire and throw it at some of them. Just kidding, but not entirely.
Any control I thought I had
Just slips right through my hands
...Yet You love me
And that consumes me
So I'll stand up again, and do so willingly.
I felt so defeated at the end of the day. Never had I met a bunch of girls that were so rude, so completely disrespectful of authority and of each other. I wondered so many times today, "Why the heck am I here? Why am I in one of the poorest places in D.C., serving these children that have no idea what Little Lights went through to give them this camp, that walk all over me and act like my words don't matter? Why am I spending one of the last summers that I'll ever spend with my family and my friends before I leave for Georgia in this place?"
But then I just mentally smack myself in the face because this is what I have been called to do. We have been called to love like Jesus - even when you're spat on and ridiculed, even when the lesson that you just planned for 3 hours just falls to pieces because your girls are "too cool" to do it, even when your patience is tested like it's never been before. How can I even be selfish enough to give this up and go back to my comfortable, spacious single house in the suburbs, to spend more money buying more and more things and trying to get more and more tan? This summer, I'm going to learn what really matters in this life - Jesus, people, and loving.
After that horrific first day, I had one of the most intense quiet times I've ever had in my life. It's been so long since I've been so broken like that - where the worst part of me is brought out and magnified 200%. I realized that I have no clue when it comes to being a counselor for urban, African American children, and that I really suck. A lot. I realized that there is no way that I can do this on my own. "Lord, rescue me." "Lord, help me." I must've said that 25 different times that day. I prayed for hope for another day. I asked Him for patience, for kindness, for love, because I sure as heck had none of it at the moment. Psalm 121 was the passage I read that night, and I almost chuckled a little because it's funny how God works.
I lift my eyes to the hills -
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip --
He who watches you will not slumber.
The Lord watches over you-
the Lord is your shade at your right hand.
The sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.
The Lord will keep you from all harm -
He will watch over your life'
the Lord will watch over your coming and going, both now and forevermore.
The last song I heard on my iPod until I forced myself to sleep was The Shadow Proves the Sunshine - Switchfoot. Yeah, I'm a Switchfoot fan. Don't hate. And I fell asleep, at peace, once again.
Day 2: Redemption.
I can't even begin to tell you what a competely amazing day this was. I don't know if it was that Katie and I finally toughened up and followed through on our discipline, or that the girls were more cooperative, or if it was just plain God. I'd say it was the last -- because I found myself taking action and doing things that I never would've done before, and that I finally had a clue with these girls. And on top of that, I could finally enjoy them. The first day, I was just so worn out from telling them not to do things that it completely sucked the joy out of my time with these girls. I felt happier than I've felt in a long time, and the girls really warmed up to Katie and I and we had a really great day together.
I'm a little too tired right now to keep writing more about how much I have begun to love these girls, but they are amazing girls and I am learning just as much from them as they are from me. For example, Samara is without a doubt one of the most well-behaved girls I have ever met. Damar'e had one of the most horrible attitudes at camp yesterday, and made it quite clear to us that she didn't want to be at camp at all, but the second day, I saw her smiling, really trying to participate, and she is just such a cool girl, and one of the smartest in the bunch.
AHHHHHHHH HAPPYYYY.
Day 3
Jeff had asked me the day before to lead worship for this day, and I agreed because he got the chance to go with one of his boys to a baseball game and he'd be gone all night. This would be my first time, and I just really didn't put as much time into it as I should, especially since I had my own small group lesson to plan and I ended up taking a lot longer with that than I thought I would. This morning, as I scrambled to put my lesson together, and put together a worship team, and practice, and find music -- I felt like I was going to go out of my mind. I hate that feeling - being unprepared and completely not in control. But once again, God is good, and made it work out at least a little, and small group ended up being amazing with the girls and I really had so much fun with them. It's weird -- I always worried that being so much stricter on discipline would make them hate camp and be grumpy 24/7, but making my expectations known to them and making them live up to it has truly made the difference for these girls and their behavior. Although they hate their warnings and time-outs at the time, when they come back to the group, they're truly changed - even a little bit - and I can see that they can truly enjoy camp more afterwards.
We went to the Gardens tonight just to play with the kids. I think I've forgotten just how much I love these trips -- to play with these kids without having to worry about disciplining everything they do, to finally be able to hold them and give them piggy-back rides and run around like an idiot just to make them laugh, to take pictures of and with them, and to simply and wholly enjoy being with them.
Please continue praying for these children, and for us counselors - because most of us still have 32 days of camp left. Pray that God will continue to humble me, break me, and put me back together again the way He wants. Pray that this team of counselors will continue to unify - that we'll see the worst parts of each other and choose to love through it.
God is doing amazing things here in southeast D.C. This is just a snippet, (snippet my butt, I know), but I wanted to be able to write it down while it's still fresh before I get to lazy to ever do it again. I miss you guys back in Moco/Hoco! Don't let this summer slip away - keep searching and living for the things that really matter, and love always.
First off, I just found out that a rat/mouse went through my entire bag of granola bars and fruit snacks and TORE THAT THING UP. It even left little droppings. Oh, goody. I think by the time I come back, I will be immune to the following things: flying ants, cockroaches, mice, spiders, daddy-long-legs, angry children, etc. But there's something about this ministry house that I absolutely love. I love how all of us counselors just meet up in the common room every night, eating dinner on this tiny 4' x 3' coffee table, and just sharing hilarious stories and guffawing (such a great word) with each other, basking in each others' weirdness and killing flying ants with each other. I love how all of us are so different, from different states and completely different backgrounds - but our purpose is the same. There are so many people here that I just look at in amazement and wonder how God made them to be so incredible and have such a heart for Him and His people. Wow, a flying ant just landed on my keyboard. And I totally just killed 3 and killed another in a cup and it was weird. INFESTATION AHHH
I suppose I should get to the meat of all this, and the reason why I felt compelled to write a stupid blog post even when I should be getting my rest. This week has been our first week of official camp, and it's been three days since I met all of the girls in my group (girls ages 7-9).
But first, let's start on the weekend before Monday. Sunday night, I was a complete mess. I worried more in that day than I have about anything else - while half of us felt incredibly excited for camp to start, I just had this horrible burden on my heart that I was going to completely and utterly fail, that I wouldn't be able to love these kids like Jesus would, that I would either flip out and be angry with them or I would just give into them and let them run all over me. We had praise and prayer that night that completely broke me down, and as we sang the song "Majesty," I just started bawling as I sang those lyrics and snot was running everywhere and oh my goodness. But for the first time since I had been here, I finally had peace.
Day 1: One of the things I've been praying about lately is that God would humble me. I have been praying that He would break me, that He would stretch me and challenge me like I've never been before. But what a dangerous prayer that is - because I think God is really going to follow through on that. I think that I secretly have a problem with pride -- it doesn't show too much outwardly, and I don't think I even realize it sometimes. But I try so hard not to fail, and for the most part, I don't. But even in the way that I work with people - I think that things have to be a certain way, that they have to be my way. I always think I can do things on my own. I always think that I know what's best for me and for the people around me. Honestly, I do a pretty good job of making people think that I have it together and that I'm spiritual enough. But sometimes I wonder if I'm just a Pharisee in disguise, that maybe I just wear this mask of spirituality because I'm a worship leader and have always been involved in the church. All my life, pastors and counselors and mentors have all told me that I have to let go of my control on my life and give it up to God. But wow, how do you even do that? Even when I pray for that to happen, I still do what I think is best, and for the most part, it works out.
But oh, how God delivered on the first day of camp.
2 words:
Complete.
Chaos.
Never have I felt so inadequate in my life.
I left that day feeling so emotionally and physically drained. If I could feel emotion, I'd feel so much embarrassment for the mess that was our first day.
We had 11 girls show up for registration: Bryanna, Brittany, Rikea, Beverly, Taquita, Sa'Niya, Samara, Damar'e, Queshawn, Destiny, and Sharnae. I knew about half of them from last year, and chose to work with this group because I remembered that I had really enjoyed taking care of Damar'e, Queshawn, and Sa'Niya last year. We headed over to Garfield Park and I got to know some of the girls - one girl in particular that I spent the most time with one-on-one was Brittany. And she really opened up to me, and told me openly about her family and what was going on with her life. But once she met up with the other girls, she seemed to turn into a completely different girl. And that's how it is with most of these girls - by themselves, I know that they can be so well-behaved and just a joy to work with, but there are so many divisions in that group, and so many girls just really do not get along with some of the other ones, and things started to turn upside-down.
These girls have so much spunk, so much attitude. And for the most part, I love that about them. But holy crap - when that's left uncontrolled, completely and utter chaos ensues. During our small group, Katie and I just got completely walked on by those girls. The fighting between them just never stopped, they had little to no respect for us, and we had no idea what to do. I've never been put in the position where I have to enforce strict and complete discipline, and as a result, there was just no structure and the girls went haywire. And I just wanted to tear out all my hair and roll it into a ball and set it on fire and throw it at some of them. Just kidding, but not entirely.
Any control I thought I had
Just slips right through my hands
...Yet You love me
And that consumes me
So I'll stand up again, and do so willingly.
I felt so defeated at the end of the day. Never had I met a bunch of girls that were so rude, so completely disrespectful of authority and of each other. I wondered so many times today, "Why the heck am I here? Why am I in one of the poorest places in D.C., serving these children that have no idea what Little Lights went through to give them this camp, that walk all over me and act like my words don't matter? Why am I spending one of the last summers that I'll ever spend with my family and my friends before I leave for Georgia in this place?"
But then I just mentally smack myself in the face because this is what I have been called to do. We have been called to love like Jesus - even when you're spat on and ridiculed, even when the lesson that you just planned for 3 hours just falls to pieces because your girls are "too cool" to do it, even when your patience is tested like it's never been before. How can I even be selfish enough to give this up and go back to my comfortable, spacious single house in the suburbs, to spend more money buying more and more things and trying to get more and more tan? This summer, I'm going to learn what really matters in this life - Jesus, people, and loving.
After that horrific first day, I had one of the most intense quiet times I've ever had in my life. It's been so long since I've been so broken like that - where the worst part of me is brought out and magnified 200%. I realized that I have no clue when it comes to being a counselor for urban, African American children, and that I really suck. A lot. I realized that there is no way that I can do this on my own. "Lord, rescue me." "Lord, help me." I must've said that 25 different times that day. I prayed for hope for another day. I asked Him for patience, for kindness, for love, because I sure as heck had none of it at the moment. Psalm 121 was the passage I read that night, and I almost chuckled a little because it's funny how God works.
I lift my eyes to the hills -
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip --
He who watches you will not slumber.
The Lord watches over you-
the Lord is your shade at your right hand.
The sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.
The Lord will keep you from all harm -
He will watch over your life'
the Lord will watch over your coming and going, both now and forevermore.
The last song I heard on my iPod until I forced myself to sleep was The Shadow Proves the Sunshine - Switchfoot. Yeah, I'm a Switchfoot fan. Don't hate. And I fell asleep, at peace, once again.
Day 2: Redemption.
I can't even begin to tell you what a competely amazing day this was. I don't know if it was that Katie and I finally toughened up and followed through on our discipline, or that the girls were more cooperative, or if it was just plain God. I'd say it was the last -- because I found myself taking action and doing things that I never would've done before, and that I finally had a clue with these girls. And on top of that, I could finally enjoy them. The first day, I was just so worn out from telling them not to do things that it completely sucked the joy out of my time with these girls. I felt happier than I've felt in a long time, and the girls really warmed up to Katie and I and we had a really great day together.
I'm a little too tired right now to keep writing more about how much I have begun to love these girls, but they are amazing girls and I am learning just as much from them as they are from me. For example, Samara is without a doubt one of the most well-behaved girls I have ever met. Damar'e had one of the most horrible attitudes at camp yesterday, and made it quite clear to us that she didn't want to be at camp at all, but the second day, I saw her smiling, really trying to participate, and she is just such a cool girl, and one of the smartest in the bunch.
AHHHHHHHH HAPPYYYY.
Day 3
Jeff had asked me the day before to lead worship for this day, and I agreed because he got the chance to go with one of his boys to a baseball game and he'd be gone all night. This would be my first time, and I just really didn't put as much time into it as I should, especially since I had my own small group lesson to plan and I ended up taking a lot longer with that than I thought I would. This morning, as I scrambled to put my lesson together, and put together a worship team, and practice, and find music -- I felt like I was going to go out of my mind. I hate that feeling - being unprepared and completely not in control. But once again, God is good, and made it work out at least a little, and small group ended up being amazing with the girls and I really had so much fun with them. It's weird -- I always worried that being so much stricter on discipline would make them hate camp and be grumpy 24/7, but making my expectations known to them and making them live up to it has truly made the difference for these girls and their behavior. Although they hate their warnings and time-outs at the time, when they come back to the group, they're truly changed - even a little bit - and I can see that they can truly enjoy camp more afterwards.
We went to the Gardens tonight just to play with the kids. I think I've forgotten just how much I love these trips -- to play with these kids without having to worry about disciplining everything they do, to finally be able to hold them and give them piggy-back rides and run around like an idiot just to make them laugh, to take pictures of and with them, and to simply and wholly enjoy being with them.
Please continue praying for these children, and for us counselors - because most of us still have 32 days of camp left. Pray that God will continue to humble me, break me, and put me back together again the way He wants. Pray that this team of counselors will continue to unify - that we'll see the worst parts of each other and choose to love through it.
God is doing amazing things here in southeast D.C. This is just a snippet, (snippet my butt, I know), but I wanted to be able to write it down while it's still fresh before I get to lazy to ever do it again. I miss you guys back in Moco/Hoco! Don't let this summer slip away - keep searching and living for the things that really matter, and love always.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Breathe In, Breathe Out.
If I disappear off the face of the earth, I figure I should at least update you about what's going on over here.
Welcome to the last two weeks of my life. SO excitingggggg ahhhhh.
I am currently residing in a house in southeast Washington D.C., with about fifteen other counselors Camp Heaven counselors and Little Lights staff. Yes, we have cockroaches. Yes, I've killed many a spider in the shower. (This is quite a monumental feat for me, by the way. I was freaking out because I didn't have my glasses on and there was just this big blob moving closer and closer to me but I KILLED THAT THING YEAH.) Yes, the men standing outside ask us if we're scared that "we're in the ghetto." But I absolutely love it here. I love these counselors, as quirky as some of us are. I live with two girls in my little apartment (there's 4 "apartments" here) - Ruth and Kati Leone. Never have I met two such amazing people. My roommate is Ruth, and she is seriously one of the kindest and most big-hearted women I know. She just got a disgusting case of poison ivy that has made her life miserable, but she somehow still keeps a cheerful face and somehow makes it through the day even though her arms are on fire. Even though she's an early sleeper (omg she has such good habits, I must learn from her soon), we occasionally get to stay up together and just talk. ASDFKJSAlkdfj I love her. Kati is just one of the sweetest girls EVER (Joe Mikey Mapa, you are one heck of a lucky man!) and maybe that's why she's getting eaten alive by bed bugs/mosquitos/some sort of bug. I hope I can be something like her one day. I love her that much.
And then there's Vivian, the funniest 5'1" girl I know - who speaks amazing Cantonese, and is so cute and cracks me up like every minute of everyday. And somehow, I've seen videos on Facebook of her without even knowing her like WHAT. I guess I'm more of a stalker than I realize. And there's Jeff, who seems to enjoy scaring me every 9 minutes and then chortling about it, and who is freaking amazing at la guitarra. And Jeremiah with his rule-breaking short shorts and weird OCD eating habits and I definitely have like a million pictures of his outrageous escapades.
Starting on Monday (OMG as;ldfsdkfj gonna die) I'll be a counselor for the 7,8, and 9-year-old girls along with my lovely co-counselor Katie Kenna. Haha what a handywoman she is, fixing every broken chair we have in this house. It's truly going to be a pleasure working with her, but also a little hard because my nature is to do things on my own. I hate working in groups, because people seem to always let me down and not do things "my way" and I just end up doing the entire project by myself.
Okay. I'm getting a little scared because it's really late at night and I hear weird noises outside that are really loud. I have to get to bed.
Please pray for us.
There is so much brokenness here, so much darkness. That I am truly really scared right now because we have heard about eight bullet shots in the middle of the night and for some reason I feel like something bad is going to happen tonight.
I miss you guys back at home, and although I truly wish I could've come back this weekend to say goodbye to this amazing man named Jabez, I know that I am called to be here.
Goodnight. I'll write more soon - Again, please. Keep Potomac Gardens, Camp Heaven, our counselors in your prayers.
Welcome to the last two weeks of my life. SO excitingggggg ahhhhh.
I am currently residing in a house in southeast Washington D.C., with about fifteen other counselors Camp Heaven counselors and Little Lights staff. Yes, we have cockroaches. Yes, I've killed many a spider in the shower. (This is quite a monumental feat for me, by the way. I was freaking out because I didn't have my glasses on and there was just this big blob moving closer and closer to me but I KILLED THAT THING YEAH.) Yes, the men standing outside ask us if we're scared that "we're in the ghetto." But I absolutely love it here. I love these counselors, as quirky as some of us are. I live with two girls in my little apartment (there's 4 "apartments" here) - Ruth and Kati Leone. Never have I met two such amazing people. My roommate is Ruth, and she is seriously one of the kindest and most big-hearted women I know. She just got a disgusting case of poison ivy that has made her life miserable, but she somehow still keeps a cheerful face and somehow makes it through the day even though her arms are on fire. Even though she's an early sleeper (omg she has such good habits, I must learn from her soon), we occasionally get to stay up together and just talk. ASDFKJSAlkdfj I love her. Kati is just one of the sweetest girls EVER (Joe Mikey Mapa, you are one heck of a lucky man!) and maybe that's why she's getting eaten alive by bed bugs/mosquitos/some sort of bug. I hope I can be something like her one day. I love her that much.
And then there's Vivian, the funniest 5'1" girl I know - who speaks amazing Cantonese, and is so cute and cracks me up like every minute of everyday. And somehow, I've seen videos on Facebook of her without even knowing her like WHAT. I guess I'm more of a stalker than I realize. And there's Jeff, who seems to enjoy scaring me every 9 minutes and then chortling about it, and who is freaking amazing at la guitarra. And Jeremiah with his rule-breaking short shorts and weird OCD eating habits and I definitely have like a million pictures of his outrageous escapades.
Starting on Monday (OMG as;ldfsdkfj gonna die) I'll be a counselor for the 7,8, and 9-year-old girls along with my lovely co-counselor Katie Kenna. Haha what a handywoman she is, fixing every broken chair we have in this house. It's truly going to be a pleasure working with her, but also a little hard because my nature is to do things on my own. I hate working in groups, because people seem to always let me down and not do things "my way" and I just end up doing the entire project by myself.
Okay. I'm getting a little scared because it's really late at night and I hear weird noises outside that are really loud. I have to get to bed.
Please pray for us.
There is so much brokenness here, so much darkness. That I am truly really scared right now because we have heard about eight bullet shots in the middle of the night and for some reason I feel like something bad is going to happen tonight.
I miss you guys back at home, and although I truly wish I could've come back this weekend to say goodbye to this amazing man named Jabez, I know that I am called to be here.
Goodnight. I'll write more soon - Again, please. Keep Potomac Gardens, Camp Heaven, our counselors in your prayers.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Music and lyrics.
I wish I really had something substantial to say. But once again, I just feel like writing, so you get to sit through another post of random things that probably don't really matter. Oh, lucky youuu.
So.
Today we'll be rambling about music. Or, rather, I'll be rambling about music. Ahhh yayyy be excitedddddddd!
I've fallen in love with music again. That head over heels kinda love. I used to have days where all I'd do is search for new music, and have incredible sharing sessions with those fortunate souls that have the same music taste as me. Yeah, I'd totally waste 5 hours at a time, but BOY, nothing beats the satisfaction of finding some amazing new band that nobody's ever heard of and sharing it with others.
Mm, mm, mm. Such a feeling.
I'm not really sure what happened to my music scavenging -- but oh, how I want to relive those days again.
Lately, I've been living and breathing Coldplay. There's probably no other word to describe them but epic. I've decided that I absolutely love their new CD -- or what I've heard of it, anyways.
Sure, it has so much to live up to, especially after A Rush of Blood to the Head and some of their other incredible stuff, but I think they're doing a mighty fine job of it. Such a different style than what they used to be, especially with Viva la Vida and Violet Hill, but I love them so much more after every listen.
I think my head is gonna break off of my neck from the amount of head-bobbing I've been doing lately. Oh, but it'd be so worth it.
And I'm finally listening to their really old stuff, like Warning Sign and Amsterdam and Everything's Not Lost and the Scientist and AHH SO GOOD. Please do yourself a favor right now and go listen to them and just take it all in.
In other news, things have been kinda crazy. Both the good kinda crazy and the bad kinda crazy.
Let's start with the good.
I don't know if it's the amazing weather lately, or the fact that I've finally been able to start doing devotions in the morning, or that Francis Chan really knows how to write a book that pierces my heart, but I finally feel like I'm beginning to change. I can't look at the nature around me, at the thousands of processes going on in my body (AP BIOLOGY NERD-DOM YAY) lately without thinking how incredible it is that Someone created it all. I find myself wanting to be a better person, to learn how to love people better -- even though I've completely screwed everything and everyone over this past year. I find that it's easier to forgive, that I want to give more.
And there's no other explanation for it all except for Jesus.
It's a shame that I used to avoid talking or writing about faith because I knew that people from school read this too and might be turned off of it or whatever. But why hide what should be the most important part of my life?
Haha sorry for the random epiphanies. I guess it helps to write my thoughts out and see them for myself.
Hmm, so it's going to be a busy few weeks.
Tomorrow, I'm driving to OC for senior week. And I'm kinda bummed that it's actually a whole seven days, because there probably won't be much to do there if I'm not getting flat out drunk and having sex. Haha I guess I'll have to bring a lot of board games. A LOT. of board games. But I'm excited to spend a full week with some of my girlfriends that I haven't gotten to see a lot of this year. And maybe get some skin cancer in the process. Except my skin is both tan-resistant and burn-resistant. I will have to accept my destiny as a pale-skinned geisha. SIGH.
Two days after I come back from the beach, I'll be in Washington D.C. training for Camp Heaven from June 9-22. I am so excited and so scared at the same time. I've never really had confidence with kids -- sure, I work with them a lot, but I'm always such a pushover and I hate getting on kids' bad sides. I become too much like a friend and not enough like a counselor or mentor. Last summer, I helped out with Camp Heaven for just a week and it was one of the most trying yet incredible experiences of my life. I know God is going to do something crazy with these children this year, and I can't wait to be a part of it.
After training, I'll be doing three weeks of the camp. I regret that I can't do more because my mom wants me to be home to take care of a family from Taiwan staying at our house (Austin and Ingrid and Brandon's family) But I'll be back July 13th. Hopefully as a different person.
I desperately need to spend time with people before I leave. Sigh.
So.
Today we'll be rambling about music. Or, rather, I'll be rambling about music. Ahhh yayyy be excitedddddddd!
I've fallen in love with music again. That head over heels kinda love. I used to have days where all I'd do is search for new music, and have incredible sharing sessions with those fortunate souls that have the same music taste as me. Yeah, I'd totally waste 5 hours at a time, but BOY, nothing beats the satisfaction of finding some amazing new band that nobody's ever heard of and sharing it with others.
Mm, mm, mm. Such a feeling.
I'm not really sure what happened to my music scavenging -- but oh, how I want to relive those days again.
Lately, I've been living and breathing Coldplay. There's probably no other word to describe them but epic. I've decided that I absolutely love their new CD -- or what I've heard of it, anyways.
Sure, it has so much to live up to, especially after A Rush of Blood to the Head and some of their other incredible stuff, but I think they're doing a mighty fine job of it. Such a different style than what they used to be, especially with Viva la Vida and Violet Hill, but I love them so much more after every listen.
I think my head is gonna break off of my neck from the amount of head-bobbing I've been doing lately. Oh, but it'd be so worth it.
And I'm finally listening to their really old stuff, like Warning Sign and Amsterdam and Everything's Not Lost and the Scientist and AHH SO GOOD. Please do yourself a favor right now and go listen to them and just take it all in.
In other news, things have been kinda crazy. Both the good kinda crazy and the bad kinda crazy.
Let's start with the good.
I don't know if it's the amazing weather lately, or the fact that I've finally been able to start doing devotions in the morning, or that Francis Chan really knows how to write a book that pierces my heart, but I finally feel like I'm beginning to change. I can't look at the nature around me, at the thousands of processes going on in my body (AP BIOLOGY NERD-DOM YAY) lately without thinking how incredible it is that Someone created it all. I find myself wanting to be a better person, to learn how to love people better -- even though I've completely screwed everything and everyone over this past year. I find that it's easier to forgive, that I want to give more.
And there's no other explanation for it all except for Jesus.
It's a shame that I used to avoid talking or writing about faith because I knew that people from school read this too and might be turned off of it or whatever. But why hide what should be the most important part of my life?
Haha sorry for the random epiphanies. I guess it helps to write my thoughts out and see them for myself.
Hmm, so it's going to be a busy few weeks.
Tomorrow, I'm driving to OC for senior week. And I'm kinda bummed that it's actually a whole seven days, because there probably won't be much to do there if I'm not getting flat out drunk and having sex. Haha I guess I'll have to bring a lot of board games. A LOT. of board games. But I'm excited to spend a full week with some of my girlfriends that I haven't gotten to see a lot of this year. And maybe get some skin cancer in the process. Except my skin is both tan-resistant and burn-resistant. I will have to accept my destiny as a pale-skinned geisha. SIGH.
Two days after I come back from the beach, I'll be in Washington D.C. training for Camp Heaven from June 9-22. I am so excited and so scared at the same time. I've never really had confidence with kids -- sure, I work with them a lot, but I'm always such a pushover and I hate getting on kids' bad sides. I become too much like a friend and not enough like a counselor or mentor. Last summer, I helped out with Camp Heaven for just a week and it was one of the most trying yet incredible experiences of my life. I know God is going to do something crazy with these children this year, and I can't wait to be a part of it.
After training, I'll be doing three weeks of the camp. I regret that I can't do more because my mom wants me to be home to take care of a family from Taiwan staying at our house (Austin and Ingrid and Brandon's family) But I'll be back July 13th. Hopefully as a different person.
I desperately need to spend time with people before I leave. Sigh.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Rise and shine.
All of a sudden, I have the urge to write.
I've always wanted to be one of those people who write these amazing, insightful, thought-provoking blogs -- the ones that have the ability to change your life and compel you to be a better person. I read posts like Eden Chen's, like Jumi Bello's, and even those of an NYU graduate that I haven't even met yet -- and I can't help but feel moved, feel shaken, and realize once again that life is so much deeper and bigger than even my little mind can fathom.
So I'm starting this up again. And we'll see if it's a little different this time around -- not really more serious, but maybe just a little deeper. A little less frivolous, and a little more real.
Oh boy. [rubs hands together] We'll see how this works out.
I don't know if you've noticed (all 2 of you loyal readers HAH.) but the layout's changed. It looks almost naked -- no pictures, no pretty colors -- nothing but words. And I kind of want it to be that way. Pure rambling and pouring out of my heart without using all the cute little graphics and banners to compensate. It's going to be a challenge, I know it already. BUT I'M READY.
Wow, I really don't even know what to begin writing about. Things have been kinda crazy these days, in both good and bad ways. I've been happy, but at the same time very unhappy with myself and who've I've been this year. I feel like time is slipping right out of my fingers, and that before I know it, it'll be August 25th and I'll be leaving this familiar town of Columbia, this familiar church of Chinese Bible Church of Maryland, this familiar state of Maryland, to head down 11 hours to a place that is completely unknown to me.
Emory University.
Atlanta, Georgia.
It's been my dream school since I started -- maybe because I first got brainwashed by Jocelyn, Eden, and Christine -- but truly after I visited and felt a connection to that place that I cannot deny. And now that I've found a roommate that is such a perfect match for me that it's almost kind of eerie, I'm only more excited. We love the same music, the same movies, both have some Cantonese in us, are involved in our churches and sing on the worship team, but have grown up in entirely different places and communities, exposed to completely different things. AHH, I'm so excited to meet this woman and experience what God has to show me through her.
But as ready as I think I am to leave, I know I'm not.
Yesterday night, I was driving home with my mom after getting a haircut. I find that we have our best (and worst) conversations in the car. Before all this, my mom had never shown any signs of weakness or worry about me leaving. She and my sister actually ganged up on my dad to convince him to let me go to Emory (hahah bless their souls), and somehow knew that Emory was where God meant for me to be. But last night, as we talked about how our home was finally gonna be an empty nest, her voice started breaking as she told me that she didn't think she'd be able to let me go, that if she had her way and let herself be selfish, she'd keep me at Maryland so I'd never have to leave. "But I know it's not up to me, and I have to let you go. Even though I've grown so much closer to you this year since you were all I've had to talk to and teach, with Carmen at college. I'm going to miss you so much." And all I wanted to do was just hug her and hold her and tell her how important she is to my life, how she's played such an incredible part in my life. But she was driving, so all I could do was rub her arm awkwardly and tell her how much I love her and how much I'd miss her.
I really don't think I can handle repeating this with all that I've grown close to here in Maryland.
I'm going to be such a mess in August. AWLEFJASKdfsdkfj.
I'm not ready.
I'm not ready to say goodbye.
I'm so scared of getting older,
I'm only good at being young.
I've always wanted to be one of those people who write these amazing, insightful, thought-provoking blogs -- the ones that have the ability to change your life and compel you to be a better person. I read posts like Eden Chen's, like Jumi Bello's, and even those of an NYU graduate that I haven't even met yet -- and I can't help but feel moved, feel shaken, and realize once again that life is so much deeper and bigger than even my little mind can fathom.
So I'm starting this up again. And we'll see if it's a little different this time around -- not really more serious, but maybe just a little deeper. A little less frivolous, and a little more real.
Oh boy. [rubs hands together] We'll see how this works out.
I don't know if you've noticed (all 2 of you loyal readers HAH.) but the layout's changed. It looks almost naked -- no pictures, no pretty colors -- nothing but words. And I kind of want it to be that way. Pure rambling and pouring out of my heart without using all the cute little graphics and banners to compensate. It's going to be a challenge, I know it already. BUT I'M READY.
Wow, I really don't even know what to begin writing about. Things have been kinda crazy these days, in both good and bad ways. I've been happy, but at the same time very unhappy with myself and who've I've been this year. I feel like time is slipping right out of my fingers, and that before I know it, it'll be August 25th and I'll be leaving this familiar town of Columbia, this familiar church of Chinese Bible Church of Maryland, this familiar state of Maryland, to head down 11 hours to a place that is completely unknown to me.
Emory University.
Atlanta, Georgia.
It's been my dream school since I started -- maybe because I first got brainwashed by Jocelyn, Eden, and Christine -- but truly after I visited and felt a connection to that place that I cannot deny. And now that I've found a roommate that is such a perfect match for me that it's almost kind of eerie, I'm only more excited. We love the same music, the same movies, both have some Cantonese in us, are involved in our churches and sing on the worship team, but have grown up in entirely different places and communities, exposed to completely different things. AHH, I'm so excited to meet this woman and experience what God has to show me through her.
But as ready as I think I am to leave, I know I'm not.
Yesterday night, I was driving home with my mom after getting a haircut. I find that we have our best (and worst) conversations in the car. Before all this, my mom had never shown any signs of weakness or worry about me leaving. She and my sister actually ganged up on my dad to convince him to let me go to Emory (hahah bless their souls), and somehow knew that Emory was where God meant for me to be. But last night, as we talked about how our home was finally gonna be an empty nest, her voice started breaking as she told me that she didn't think she'd be able to let me go, that if she had her way and let herself be selfish, she'd keep me at Maryland so I'd never have to leave. "But I know it's not up to me, and I have to let you go. Even though I've grown so much closer to you this year since you were all I've had to talk to and teach, with Carmen at college. I'm going to miss you so much." And all I wanted to do was just hug her and hold her and tell her how important she is to my life, how she's played such an incredible part in my life. But she was driving, so all I could do was rub her arm awkwardly and tell her how much I love her and how much I'd miss her.
I really don't think I can handle repeating this with all that I've grown close to here in Maryland.
I'm going to be such a mess in August. AWLEFJASKdfsdkfj.
I'm not ready.
I'm not ready to say goodbye.
I'm so scared of getting older,
I'm only good at being young.
Monday, February 11, 2008
For no particular reason.
HMM, I suppose it's time for a real post. Because this "0 Comments" thing is starting to bother me. (Yeah, okay, I lied. So maybe I do care about comments. I'm just a HUMAN, I need love and affirmation, goshdarnit. Just kidding. But not really.)
Ayeeshik, aren't you proud of me? You don't even need to prompt me anymoreeeee
Soooooo. What to talk about todayyyy. Hmmmmmmmmm
So elections are tomorrow? I feel a little bummed that I forgot/wastoolazy to register. I'm finally big and bad and 18 and I forget to vote. Mm, I guess I don't really know enough about politics to make a good decision just yet, so maybe it's all for the best. Maybe.
In other news, it's Day 5 of Lent and no-Youtube-and-junkfood-dom. I'm actually a little surprised that I'm not committing suicide right now. Actually, I think it's safe to say that I'm okay. Youtube is fun and all, and more addicting than anything when people are super nice and shower compliments and make me smile, but I do think this break was needed. I think I was subconsciously letting the "fame" get to my head, and it's time to let my head shrink back down to normal size, I'd say.
OH. So I had no cable yesterday. Meaning I had no television or internet. You know, I don't think I realized just how much of my life revolves around the internet. My dad put it best: "No television, no internet -- no life!" A little sad how true that is.
SO here's how it all went downnnn. I did all my homework in about an hour. I cleaned out my closet and rid my myself of ugly sweatshirts and jackets and ugly jeans that should never have been in my possession in the first place except that I was/am the hugest nerd ever. I cleaned my floor which was so littered with crap that I had trouble walking through. Cleaned my desk, my dresser, my drawers. And it feels good. I probably should've done it sooner and kept my mom from yelling at me every night to do it. BUT, I am a lazy arse and it takes me a while to do these things.
Oh, but when I do, it's like something inside of me takes over. Like my hands can't stop moving and I'm just like this unstoppable cleaning machine and I destroy everything messy in sight. And once I start cleaning something, I have to clean everything. LOL just thinking about it makes me feel all weird inside and now my fingers feel like they won't stop moving and I'm just typing away and I can't stoppppp OKAY we're stopping now. Whew, that was close.
I've been finding/beengiven so much new music lately. And it makes me so happy. I was in this huge female artists phase, but Eden Chen has reinvigorated my love for rock. Haha, it was bound to come back sooner or later.
Artists you should check out:
-Sia (Dream Me, Numb)
-Chrisette Michele (Love is You, Best of Me)
-Matt Nathanson (Come on Get Higher, I Saw)
-Yael Naim (New Soul)
-The Last Goodnight (Back to Where we Belong, Stay Beautiful)
-Natalie Walker (Waking Dream, Colorblind)
-Jeremy Lister (Fit)
-Jason Morant (Veils)
-Terra Naomi (Say It's Possible, Never Quite Discussed)
Dooooooooo ittttttt.
Alrightttt, I'm outta here. PEACE (Never really did understand what that has anything to do with goodbye)
Ayeeshik, aren't you proud of me? You don't even need to prompt me anymoreeeee
Soooooo. What to talk about todayyyy. Hmmmmmmmmm
So elections are tomorrow? I feel a little bummed that I forgot/wastoolazy to register. I'm finally big and bad and 18 and I forget to vote. Mm, I guess I don't really know enough about politics to make a good decision just yet, so maybe it's all for the best. Maybe.
In other news, it's Day 5 of Lent and no-Youtube-and-junkfood-dom. I'm actually a little surprised that I'm not committing suicide right now. Actually, I think it's safe to say that I'm okay. Youtube is fun and all, and more addicting than anything when people are super nice and shower compliments and make me smile, but I do think this break was needed. I think I was subconsciously letting the "fame" get to my head, and it's time to let my head shrink back down to normal size, I'd say.
OH. So I had no cable yesterday. Meaning I had no television or internet. You know, I don't think I realized just how much of my life revolves around the internet. My dad put it best: "No television, no internet -- no life!" A little sad how true that is.
SO here's how it all went downnnn. I did all my homework in about an hour. I cleaned out my closet and rid my myself of ugly sweatshirts and jackets and ugly jeans that should never have been in my possession in the first place except that I was/am the hugest nerd ever. I cleaned my floor which was so littered with crap that I had trouble walking through. Cleaned my desk, my dresser, my drawers. And it feels good. I probably should've done it sooner and kept my mom from yelling at me every night to do it. BUT, I am a lazy arse and it takes me a while to do these things.
Oh, but when I do, it's like something inside of me takes over. Like my hands can't stop moving and I'm just like this unstoppable cleaning machine and I destroy everything messy in sight. And once I start cleaning something, I have to clean everything. LOL just thinking about it makes me feel all weird inside and now my fingers feel like they won't stop moving and I'm just typing away and I can't stoppppp OKAY we're stopping now. Whew, that was close.
I've been finding/beengiven so much new music lately. And it makes me so happy. I was in this huge female artists phase, but Eden Chen has reinvigorated my love for rock. Haha, it was bound to come back sooner or later.
Artists you should check out:
-Sia (Dream Me, Numb)
-Chrisette Michele (Love is You, Best of Me)
-Matt Nathanson (Come on Get Higher, I Saw)
-Yael Naim (New Soul)
-The Last Goodnight (Back to Where we Belong, Stay Beautiful)
-Natalie Walker (Waking Dream, Colorblind)
-Jeremy Lister (Fit)
-Jason Morant (Veils)
-Terra Naomi (Say It's Possible, Never Quite Discussed)
Dooooooooo ittttttt.
Alrightttt, I'm outta here. PEACE (Never really did understand what that has anything to do with goodbye)
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
I love Bunifa.
hahahha omgg funniest woman ever.
In other news, youtube is taking over my life. Somebody stop meeee
Sunday, January 6, 2008
UHM, I love you.
DEAR YOU,
So I have a somewhat hefty pile of homework just waiting to be done, but frankly, friends > school, any day.
I wish I could come up with a better two words to encompass the magnitude of HOW MUCH I FREAKIN LOVE YOU GUYS, but since I can't, can I just say...
Thank you. Thank you. THANK YOU.
Thank you for somehow keeping this a secret from me for over 3 weeks, even with my super clever and bright and suspicious mind (HAH). Thank you for working your butts off to make this happen (You know who you are in particular!). Thank you for making me feel so ridiculously happy to walk into a room and have 20+ of the people I love most all crammed in a kitchen screaming "SURPRISE!!" and taking unflattering pictures of my face. Can I say that it was honestly one of the most heartwarming things I've heard, like a chorus of ANGELS all in unison (ok bad simile BUT YOU GET THE IDEA)
But most of all...
Thank you for reminding me that I have friends - good friends, no, INCREDIBLE friends. And that your love is so much more unconditional than I thought it'd be, even when I'm stupid and ruin things.
But know that you succeeded.
You made this the best day/weekend ever. You made me laugh harder than I have in months, (and trust me, I've done a lot of laughing). You made me smile so much that these chubby cheeks of mine are sore. You made me remember that I am loved, loved by incredible people and by a God that would put people like you into this life of mine.
And might I say, I wouldn't spend my 18th birthday any other way.
And I know I couldn't possibly express the kind of thanks that I feel right now, but I know that some special people really deserve some recognition because their awesomeness exceeds all levels of awesomenimity.
The rest of you beautiful people will get something laterrrrrrrrrr.
FIRST OFF.
SHANNON LEE/ AMAZING COUSIN OF MINE/ INCAPABLE ONE:
You are incredible, you know that? I heard that you were freaking out about this, scrambling about, getting your pretty little self all stressed out over silly, slightly stupid me. Well, I LOVE YOU. Thank you for putting yourself through that to make me feel special, even though I know how frustrated you get when you have to plan things. Thank you for putting up with this awkward turtle, for loving me even though you know all my silly little quirks and faults. Thank you for making me nearly piss my pants while laughing when you tried to do the white-eyeball picture LOL. Basically, thank you for being the most amazing cousin, shandylyn counterpart, and friend that I could ever ask for. <3 style="font-weight: bold;">ASHLEY SETO/ GIRL WHO CAN NEVER NOT LOOK LIKE SHE'S ABOUT TO RAPE LITTLE CHILDREN. JK
HEY YOU. Thank you for being wonderwoman and opening up your beautiful, newly renovated house to a bunch of dirty, rowdy teenagers like us. Thank you for being an amazing host, like always, bringing us down blankets/sleeping bags/taking care of us losers almost like we're your friends! Thank you for cracking me up nonstop with your amazing expressions and "serious" L.T. (initials for a very special man) faces that I love so much. AND WAS IT YOU WHO BOUGHT THE TRICK CANDLES? Soooooo tricky and clever, now ARENT you! On a sidenote, I remember someone saying that you're going to be a hot mother one day. And a good one, obviously. I AGREE. Okay I realize that was a weird thing to say. MOVING ON!
SO I LOVE YOU AND THATS ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW.
JEREMIAH DEAR
I SUPPOSE you deserve a little shout out, you silly man. MAYBE. Thank you for deceiving me and whisking away to Brookside Gardens (which, btw, we should visit at night because all the flowers were definitely dead.), for braving the cold with me, for being sweet and extra nice to me, for buying me hot chocolate. =) PATRICK ON THE PHONE, MY BUTT. Hahaha
Thank youuu hkhkhk
AUNTIE KAREN&UNCLE KEVIN / THE HIPPEST PARENTS IN THE UNIVERSE
I find it amazing that you would cook 8+ dishes AND breakfast (mickey mouse pancakes!), allow us silly teenagers to ransack your home, buy an amazing ice cream cake, clean up after, and take care of us hooligans, all for the sake of a girl that you're not even related to. I love you guys so much! THANK YOU. Thank you both for always looking out for me, dropping me a few ims (HAH and actually successfully carrying a conversation) on AIM cuz you're just that hip, for being examples of two incredible people who will go out of their way to take care of somebody with no reward for themselves, and all the while with a smile and this willingness that you don't really find in people these days. THANK YOU!
SANDY LOK & LIZZY BECAUSE YOURE BASICALLY THE SAME PERSON NOW
Lolllllll just kidding. Actually, no I'm not. I don't really know exactly who planned this/what people did but I'm sure you two played a huge part in it as well. Thank you for cracking me up every second of every hour of every day of every week of eveerysadfjls;kdjf you get what I meannnnnnnn. Sandy, thank you for being like a sister to me, for being my own professional photographer, for being the only other person out of Shandylyn who can actually make a non-cute expression and have white eyeballs UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE COUGHSHANNONCOUGH. Thank you for making my stomach hurt so incredibly much when you say these really really really brilliant things of yours. "Do frogs turn into fish?" LOLd;slkafsjdklf omg there were so many more but my exhausted brain can't think of them at the moment! Lizzy, thank you for being the SUNSHINE of my life. Thank you for always violating me with your leg wraps, with the jumping on me, it's always such a great experience. Thank you for cracking me up with how beautiful your expressions are now, for keeping my lap warm, for never failing to make me smile. I LOVE YOU
I would go on, but I know it'd take me forever.
So thank you.
You're amazing.
And I love youuu sooooo muchhh ahhhhh
Sincerely,
Carolyn.
So I have a somewhat hefty pile of homework just waiting to be done, but frankly, friends > school, any day.
I wish I could come up with a better two words to encompass the magnitude of HOW MUCH I FREAKIN LOVE YOU GUYS, but since I can't, can I just say...
Thank you. Thank you. THANK YOU.
Thank you for somehow keeping this a secret from me for over 3 weeks, even with my super clever and bright and suspicious mind (HAH). Thank you for working your butts off to make this happen (You know who you are in particular!). Thank you for making me feel so ridiculously happy to walk into a room and have 20+ of the people I love most all crammed in a kitchen screaming "SURPRISE!!" and taking unflattering pictures of my face. Can I say that it was honestly one of the most heartwarming things I've heard, like a chorus of ANGELS all in unison (ok bad simile BUT YOU GET THE IDEA)
But most of all...
Thank you for reminding me that I have friends - good friends, no, INCREDIBLE friends. And that your love is so much more unconditional than I thought it'd be, even when I'm stupid and ruin things.
But know that you succeeded.
You made this the best day/weekend ever. You made me laugh harder than I have in months, (and trust me, I've done a lot of laughing). You made me smile so much that these chubby cheeks of mine are sore. You made me remember that I am loved, loved by incredible people and by a God that would put people like you into this life of mine.
And might I say, I wouldn't spend my 18th birthday any other way.
And I know I couldn't possibly express the kind of thanks that I feel right now, but I know that some special people really deserve some recognition because their awesomeness exceeds all levels of awesomenimity.
The rest of you beautiful people will get something laterrrrrrrrrr.
FIRST OFF.
SHANNON LEE/ AMAZING COUSIN OF MINE/ INCAPABLE ONE:
You are incredible, you know that? I heard that you were freaking out about this, scrambling about, getting your pretty little self all stressed out over silly, slightly stupid me. Well, I LOVE YOU. Thank you for putting yourself through that to make me feel special, even though I know how frustrated you get when you have to plan things. Thank you for putting up with this awkward turtle, for loving me even though you know all my silly little quirks and faults. Thank you for making me nearly piss my pants while laughing when you tried to do the white-eyeball picture LOL. Basically, thank you for being the most amazing cousin, shandylyn counterpart, and friend that I could ever ask for. <3 style="font-weight: bold;">ASHLEY SETO/ GIRL WHO CAN NEVER NOT LOOK LIKE SHE'S ABOUT TO RAPE LITTLE CHILDREN. JK
HEY YOU. Thank you for being wonderwoman and opening up your beautiful, newly renovated house to a bunch of dirty, rowdy teenagers like us. Thank you for being an amazing host, like always, bringing us down blankets/sleeping bags/taking care of us losers almost like we're your friends! Thank you for cracking me up nonstop with your amazing expressions and "serious" L.T. (initials for a very special man) faces that I love so much. AND WAS IT YOU WHO BOUGHT THE TRICK CANDLES? Soooooo tricky and clever, now ARENT you! On a sidenote, I remember someone saying that you're going to be a hot mother one day. And a good one, obviously. I AGREE. Okay I realize that was a weird thing to say. MOVING ON!
SO I LOVE YOU AND THATS ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW.
JEREMIAH DEAR
I SUPPOSE you deserve a little shout out, you silly man. MAYBE. Thank you for deceiving me and whisking away to Brookside Gardens (which, btw, we should visit at night because all the flowers were definitely dead.), for braving the cold with me, for being sweet and extra nice to me, for buying me hot chocolate. =) PATRICK ON THE PHONE, MY BUTT. Hahaha
Thank youuu hkhkhk
AUNTIE KAREN&UNCLE KEVIN / THE HIPPEST PARENTS IN THE UNIVERSE
I find it amazing that you would cook 8+ dishes AND breakfast (mickey mouse pancakes!), allow us silly teenagers to ransack your home, buy an amazing ice cream cake, clean up after, and take care of us hooligans, all for the sake of a girl that you're not even related to. I love you guys so much! THANK YOU. Thank you both for always looking out for me, dropping me a few ims (HAH and actually successfully carrying a conversation) on AIM cuz you're just that hip, for being examples of two incredible people who will go out of their way to take care of somebody with no reward for themselves, and all the while with a smile and this willingness that you don't really find in people these days. THANK YOU!
SANDY LOK & LIZZY BECAUSE YOURE BASICALLY THE SAME PERSON NOW
Lolllllll just kidding. Actually, no I'm not. I don't really know exactly who planned this/what people did but I'm sure you two played a huge part in it as well. Thank you for cracking me up every second of every hour of every day of every week of eveerysadfjls;kdjf you get what I meannnnnnnn. Sandy, thank you for being like a sister to me, for being my own professional photographer, for being the only other person out of Shandylyn who can actually make a non-cute expression and have white eyeballs UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE COUGHSHANNONCOUGH. Thank you for making my stomach hurt so incredibly much when you say these really really really brilliant things of yours. "Do frogs turn into fish?" LOLd;slkafsjdklf omg there were so many more but my exhausted brain can't think of them at the moment! Lizzy, thank you for being the SUNSHINE of my life. Thank you for always violating me with your leg wraps, with the jumping on me, it's always such a great experience. Thank you for cracking me up with how beautiful your expressions are now, for keeping my lap warm, for never failing to make me smile. I LOVE YOU
I would go on, but I know it'd take me forever.
So thank you.
You're amazing.
And I love youuu sooooo muchhh ahhhhh
Sincerely,
Carolyn.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
The Home Stretchhh ahhh!
EXCITING NEWS.
Carolyn Tong is now writing the last short essay of the last college application she will EVER complete. EVER. In her life. Now all you snooty other seniors are probably like HAH, I finished weeks ago, but this is quite an exciting day for me. So rejoice with me!
Mmm. So this last essay is for Rice (WOW. ok sidenote. I never realized just how insane Rice is, or how amazing it is. 80% of applicants rejected?!? HAH, I barely know why I'm applying. I was looking at this Rice forum and everyone's like "OH PLEASE CHANCE ME I HAVE STRAIGHT 5'S ON ALL MY EXAMS AND A 5.64 GPA AND 2350 OMG DO YOU THINK I HAVE THE SLIGHTEST CHANCE?"
SCREW YOU, OVERANXIOUS GENIUSES. I'm really bothered by brilliant people that know they're brilliant and want the rest of the human population to know. Especially the ones that rub it in your face all obnoxious-like. )And I'm not really sure why I'm feelin so feisty and weird. I do believe it's the Toblerone miniatures that are sitting on my desk just waiting to find a place in my tummy. I think I'm going to bring them all to school so I don't balloon into the first female sumo wrestler in Columbia, MD.
So I was looking at all the old entries on my xanga just now because I wanted to use the Philly missions trip in my Rice essay, and I came across this post and it cracked me up. JUST THOUGHT I'D SHARE IT WITH YA'LL. Ew I did not just say "ya'll."
so i definitely told this story like 8329739 times but its necessary to explain my retarded morning today. SERIOUSLY WHAT IS WITH MY MORNINGS NOWso i woke up, decided to do my hw starting from 330, ended up doing all of it by 6. i decided that hw-doing would probably make me tired so i tried to go back to sleep. but i just rolled around for another five minutes with my eyes super wide open still, so i got up and decided to clean my desk cuz its pretty nasty. after that was done, i moved onto my dresser. then my whole room. i was about to reorganize it cept i dont really have enough pictures to make my walls pretty. then i go downstairs to fill up my parakeet's food and play with him for a bit. then i go back upstairs to the guestroom where all the clothes from the laundry are sprawled out on the bed. i then begin to iron all of the clothes, fold them, sort them, (EVEN THE UNDERWEAR. man my parents have weird underwear. ANYWAYS)
I thought I'd include this picture just because.
Okayyyyy I've wasted enough time on this and WOW I didn't even write an entry on Philly! What in the worldddddd gahhhhhhhhhhh. OKAY ANYWAYS TATA NEXT TIME I SEE YOU I WILL BE HOMEEE FREEE, BABY!
CAROLYNTONG, OVER AND OUT! [mmm it's so fun being retarded.]
Carolyn Tong is now writing the last short essay of the last college application she will EVER complete. EVER. In her life. Now all you snooty other seniors are probably like HAH, I finished weeks ago, but this is quite an exciting day for me. So rejoice with me!
Mmm. So this last essay is for Rice (WOW. ok sidenote. I never realized just how insane Rice is, or how amazing it is. 80% of applicants rejected?!? HAH, I barely know why I'm applying. I was looking at this Rice forum and everyone's like "OH PLEASE CHANCE ME I HAVE STRAIGHT 5'S ON ALL MY EXAMS AND A 5.64 GPA AND 2350 OMG DO YOU THINK I HAVE THE SLIGHTEST CHANCE?"
SCREW YOU, OVERANXIOUS GENIUSES. I'm really bothered by brilliant people that know they're brilliant and want the rest of the human population to know. Especially the ones that rub it in your face all obnoxious-like. )And I'm not really sure why I'm feelin so feisty and weird. I do believe it's the Toblerone miniatures that are sitting on my desk just waiting to find a place in my tummy. I think I'm going to bring them all to school so I don't balloon into the first female sumo wrestler in Columbia, MD.
So I was looking at all the old entries on my xanga just now because I wanted to use the Philly missions trip in my Rice essay, and I came across this post and it cracked me up. JUST THOUGHT I'D SHARE IT WITH YA'LL. Ew I did not just say "ya'll."
so i definitely told this story like 8329739 times but its necessary to explain my retarded morning today. SERIOUSLY WHAT IS WITH MY MORNINGS NOWso i woke up, decided to do my hw starting from 330, ended up doing all of it by 6. i decided that hw-doing would probably make me tired so i tried to go back to sleep. but i just rolled around for another five minutes with my eyes super wide open still, so i got up and decided to clean my desk cuz its pretty nasty. after that was done, i moved onto my dresser. then my whole room. i was about to reorganize it cept i dont really have enough pictures to make my walls pretty. then i go downstairs to fill up my parakeet's food and play with him for a bit. then i go back upstairs to the guestroom where all the clothes from the laundry are sprawled out on the bed. i then begin to iron all of the clothes, fold them, sort them, (EVEN THE UNDERWEAR. man my parents have weird underwear. ANYWAYS)
by 7 my mom peeks into the hallway stealthily. (she got up to pee, but she heard something downstairs and she thought it was a burglar. so she doesn't even flush the toilet so the burglar wont come up and find her and kill her.) she sees me ironing clothes and she's like "CHILD WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU" and goes back to sleep. i finish all the clothes and by now my mom is up and about and doing her hair and everything. i make her bed, then put the finished clothes on it.
in the car my mom starts laughing at me as i tell my story. "you need to drink coffee more often." hahah yeahh i dont expect that to happen anytime soon. i'll stick to hot chocolate for now. i think it might've been the chocolate covered coffee bean that was on my turtle mocha cuz thats the only thing that was different from any other day. CURSED BEAN.
ANYWAYS. onto the second half of my story. so i slept at 12 sunday night thinking my body is tough enough to not mess up its sleep cycle after getting 2 hours of sleep the night before. i wake up this morning to my mom flapping about: "OMGG LUM LUM GET UP NOW HOW COULD YOU DO THIS" ...guess what time i woke up?
...9:45am.
i definitely thought it was sunday for a second and i was like SHOOT we're late for service! ahhh my family is so screwed up without my dad. i guess none of my stupid alarm clocks decided to ring. or i just slept right through them. so here i am, fourth period being the first period of my day. yippee i have a half day today. and the only class that actually matters that i miss is english. oh well. at least i'm not tired today.
i better have a normal morning tomorrow or i might just go crazy. or more crazy than i already am.
Well, it gave me a chuckle. Hope it did for youuuu tooooo.
Mmm. So. 2008. I must say, 2008 looks a lot prettier than 2007. Or rounder at least. Or perhaps I'm just biased because the class of '08 is the most awesome one ever.
I thought I'd include this picture just because.
Okayyyyy I've wasted enough time on this and WOW I didn't even write an entry on Philly! What in the worldddddd gahhhhhhhhhhh. OKAY ANYWAYS TATA NEXT TIME I SEE YOU I WILL BE HOMEEE FREEE, BABY!
CAROLYNTONG, OVER AND OUT! [mmm it's so fun being retarded.]
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