Food

I used to get compliments from aunties about how lucky I was to be able to gorge on repulsive amounts of food and still remain pretty much a stick. Now, after two decades of life, this lightning-speed metabolism is sputtering out, but the huge appetite is still lingering in this belly.

It has never been this clear to me how much of a problem my eating was until this year when both my roommate Bethaney and my boyfriend Eden noticed how I am incapable of keeping leftovers or keeping a snack for over 2 days. If my brain entertains the thought of eating something, I can't think about anything else until it is in my stomach. I just constantly want to eat and cannot stop. I gave up snacking and eating alone for Lent but have already broken it about 7 times, and am writing this after just eating two full-blown muffins even though I am more than full already.

It's probably pretty silly of me to write about this, but writing makes things more tangible, and man, I cannot tackle this problem until I acknowledge that it is real. People laugh at me when I feel disappointed in myself after snacking on an apple, but they don't understand that I literally cannot keep from eating that apple, or 10 apples. Sure, part of the disappointment in myself stems from my body feeling gross, but it isn't just me caring about how I look anymore. It comes from knowing that right now I cannot desire God more than food, that I am literally enslaved to my belly and my flesh, and that this physical slavery is turning into a spiritual one.

If anyone happens upon this entry, please pray for me - I know it's weird, but it is something that I have been wrestling with for months now and I keep getting KO'ed. I will not break this by sheer willpower, but only the transformative power of Christ. Mm. So easy to type, but so hard to live out.

1 Corinthians 6:12:
“All things are lawful for me,” but not all things are helpful. “All things are lawful for me,” but I will not be enslaved by anything.

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I'm not all too sure why I keep wanting to go back to Blogger even though Wordpress has a much cooler and fancier interface. I think that I haven't been writing on Wordpress at all because I'm intimidated by how "good" my post has to be to look somewhat appropriate on that site. Also, I'm trying to see if Google Buzz really can transport my posts into other people's Buzz...es? It's almost ridiculous how much of this Twitter/Buzz/Facebook-status-on-steroids is taking over the world, but I suppose it's nice to share things with people. So I'm back for now, for who knows how long. It's always been easier for me to write consistently on something like this or like Xanga, without thinking that I need to sound profound. I'M SICK OF PRETENDING! (Wow, Sixpence's "Breathe Your Name" just came on iTunes shuffle and I forgot how sweet it is. I might add that joint to this post if Blogger can handle that...Nope, it can't. NO PROBLEM. Back to where we were.)

There's really nothing particularly important for me to be updating about. This semester has been a surprisingly light load and it is almost driving me crazy. Last semester, I spent many a day holed up in the library and drooling on the keyboards, but man, it was such a stretching experience and I felt like I learned so much. And I loved that. This semester, I am taking two of the easier Science requirements, Intro to Music Theory, and Intro to Global Health. It feels like a joke schedule, and instead of being more on top of things I feel myself becoming lazy.

One thing I am very thankful for is that I have been able to breathe and spend time doing things that I had no chance of enjoying last semester - I have rekindled my love for books and am getting lost into my reading like I did in the fourth grade. Maybe I will have to get bifocals again! I am loving that I get to enjoy people here more. I have seen Kala for every day this week and it has been wonderful, and feel like I know my roommate Bethaney so much more than last semester. I keep feeling like this semester is supposed to open the way for something bigger than academics, but I am not sure of what it is just yet. I'm starting to help out with TeamKid, the children's ministry at Veritas, and it has been an adventure. I think it is now confirmed that I am not intrinsically gifted with kids, at least not with 4 to 6-year-olds. Or perhaps I am just so dependent on Camp Heaven-like discipline which is something I can't quite do in a Sunday School setting. I need prayer for tomorrow!

There's been a lot of pondering going on in this brain of mine lately about the future. It may be because decisions about nursing school are coming out the day after tomorrow, and I cannot even begin to fathom what will be my course of action if I don't get into Emory's nursing school. I think my grades are there and my application would be strong enough to get accepted, but I get this terrifying feeling that God would really be able to work in my life if all my plans got shattered. I also have this distant longing to do missions but if it comes down to it, I think I have this idealized view of glorified missions and don't really understand the cost of what it would be. I remember it being 3 in the morning and just feeling so dirty that I had to take a shower. And then when I was in the shower, I was thinking about how much I love hot showers. Would I be able to go days without a shower? Or take one in dirty water? Would I really be ready to learn a completely new language and leave my family and home?

Discipleship is costly, and if I'm really honest about it - that terrifies me.

The Cost of Discipleship

²⁵Now great crowds accompanied him, and he turned and said to them, ²⁶ "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. ²⁷Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple.

I know in my mind how sweet the presence of God is, but there is so much disconnect between my head and my heart. Apathy and sleepiness have been owning me a lot, but I feel God trying to find his way back onto the throne of my life.