I don't think I'll ever be able to describe the feeling you get when you watch your family drive away from you for the first time in your life. I wanted to run after them, but I knew that would look pretty loserish to the orientation leaders that were standing outside with me. I wanted to cry because you can't have a monumental moment without crying, but all I could feel was my heart sinking as they drove farther and farther away. I've found that I never can cry at the right times. All I feel is emptiness, and the tears come later when no one can see them, making me look like a heartless icewoman. Which is true, sometimes. But wow, going up the elevator to my room alone was one of the hardest things to do.
It's so weird, to realize that I am alone in this dorm room for the next 3 days, that not until Saturday will it finally hit me that I am in college, that I am not allowed to be a child any longer. For me, it's bothersome to make new friends. If you knew me in high school, I was so incredibly quiet until senior year. I'm so scared of being alone, and even more scared of being rejected. God, help me.
But here I am, at a college that I am getting more and more excited about the longer that I'm here, sitting in a BALLIN' dorm room that has one of the most beautiful views of campus, awaiting the arrival of an incredible roommate, and about to face a year that will completely change my life.
Yes, pictures are coming, and yes a video will be coming.
But not until I get over the shock, and not until my heart stops feeling like it weighs a thousand lbs.
Goodbye to you,
Goodbye to everything that I knew
I wanted to write a letter to everybody before I left, but only managed to write to a few. I hated that my goodbyes seemed so unfulfilled and so unreal, but this is so far from being a goodbye. And if you're reading this, you can be pretty sure that I'm missing you a lot right now. Unless you're really annoying or somebody that randomly friended me on Facebook that I don't even know but accepted anyways. Just kidding, you're included.
Ugh, a good cry right now would be so liberating. But when have my tear ducts ever cooperated?
CBC, grow in ways that you never thought you could. Worship leaders, step it up and don't ever be afraid to look like a fool for Christ. Junior high girls, I can't wait to see you when I get back and see how much you've grown and gorgeous-ified. Mother, make me proud. CASES, shandylyn, carshandylyn, JACESS, spazmonkeys, I love you and I always will. My fellow seniors, it's time to be babies again and soak up everything that we can. Rising seniors, it's up to you, now. Adam and Ashley, take care of our teens group. Shannon, take care of this worship team.
See you later. :)
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Holes Inside.
I need to stop waking up at ridiculous hours in the morning.
It's crazy how much two little holes in your gums can completely affect your life. Yesterday afternoon, the stitches in my left wisdom tooth hole came out - I don't know if it was my fault, if I tried to eat normal food too quickly, or if I smiled or laughed too much, but they fell out and I was like oh boo but didn't think much of it.
During debriefing time last night, which was like 2 hours long, I had this odd sensation that my left gum was growing right over top of my teeth and I was like whoa nelly what is going on but of course I am a good-mannered little Chinese girl and chose to sit there in silence with a weird look on my face as I tried to peel back this new gum with my tongue. I finally run upstairs after we're done and open my mouth and am absolutely horrified to see that there is a huge congealed mass of blood covering the left side of my bottom teeth. As I gasp and frantically try to wash it out and more blood than I've ever seen keeps pouring out of this stupid hole in my mouth, I must convince myself in the mirror that I am not a vampire.
It's funny how helpless you can feel because of your own stupid body. The bleeding just kept gushing out for the next 6 hours, and I literally felt like life was being drained out of me. And I just got so angry, because I didn't know how to stop it, because I foolishly emptied my gauze out of my bag at home thinking that I wouldn't really need it, because paper towels and blood taste absolutely horrible after a while. And I was so scared to go to sleep because I thought I would wake up with a mouth filled to the brim with red goodness and just drown in it and die. But I managed to sleep, and I woke up this morning very disgusted once again but praise God that absolutely none of it is on my pillow or sleeping bag. I'm still not very sure how that happened.
If you ever have a moment in your day, please pray that this thing will heal miraculously and speedily so that I can go to Six Flags with my girls for the last time ever and not be a burden and gushing from the mouth the entire time. Please pray that this light-headedness from losing so much blood will go away, and that if it doesn't - that I will not be bitter and will be able to realize if it will really be better for my kids if I choose to stay home. But bah, I hate that option.
Mother, if you're reading this, please do not kill me. I tried to keep it healthy and clean but I don't really know what happened. :[
Man, I could never be an oral surgeon. Teeth, blood, and gums are absolutely repulsive.
During debriefing time last night, which was like 2 hours long, I had this odd sensation that my left gum was growing right over top of my teeth and I was like whoa nelly what is going on but of course I am a good-mannered little Chinese girl and chose to sit there in silence with a weird look on my face as I tried to peel back this new gum with my tongue. I finally run upstairs after we're done and open my mouth and am absolutely horrified to see that there is a huge congealed mass of blood covering the left side of my bottom teeth. As I gasp and frantically try to wash it out and more blood than I've ever seen keeps pouring out of this stupid hole in my mouth, I must convince myself in the mirror that I am not a vampire.
It's funny how helpless you can feel because of your own stupid body. The bleeding just kept gushing out for the next 6 hours, and I literally felt like life was being drained out of me. And I just got so angry, because I didn't know how to stop it, because I foolishly emptied my gauze out of my bag at home thinking that I wouldn't really need it, because paper towels and blood taste absolutely horrible after a while. And I was so scared to go to sleep because I thought I would wake up with a mouth filled to the brim with red goodness and just drown in it and die. But I managed to sleep, and I woke up this morning very disgusted once again but praise God that absolutely none of it is on my pillow or sleeping bag. I'm still not very sure how that happened.
If you ever have a moment in your day, please pray that this thing will heal miraculously and speedily so that I can go to Six Flags with my girls for the last time ever and not be a burden and gushing from the mouth the entire time. Please pray that this light-headedness from losing so much blood will go away, and that if it doesn't - that I will not be bitter and will be able to realize if it will really be better for my kids if I choose to stay home. But bah, I hate that option.
Mother, if you're reading this, please do not kill me. I tried to keep it healthy and clean but I don't really know what happened. :[
Man, I could never be an oral surgeon. Teeth, blood, and gums are absolutely repulsive.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Gotta lub that chub.
I got my wisdom teeth pulled about 30 hours ago, but it is only now that I am finally in a somewhat decent state of mind to document my escapades as a bunny. HERE WE GO.
I love how my last meal before I turned into a bunny was the most delicious dinner by Auntie Carol for all of the Little Lights counselors. And that she so happened to come by the ministry house on that Thursday so I could catch a ride with her back home instead of making my dad drive all the way out to D.C. like he had been doing for so many weeks. Mm, funny how God works little things out like that. Oh, and Josh Tseng and his mother are officially the most hilarious people to get lost in D.C. with, hands down.
---------------------------------------
So I might as well get this over with. Get all your laughs now, you sick people.
Are you ready?
Because if you laugh, I will have to destroy you by throwing my huge face in your direction and knocking you out with all 10 pounds of it. Just kidding, but not really.
BEFORE. (Exhibit A)
AFTER. (Exhibit B)
The following will be a documentary of how the heck Exhibit A turned into Exhibit B. May your ridiculing laughter subside by the time this is over.
Day 1
So Daddy wakes me up at 7:15 the next morning to meet my doom at NIH. I decided that it would be a great idea to take a before and after picture to more clearly document the ballooning of my face. (see above) I get seated on this amazingly comfortable bed with a tv strapped to it, and I begin watching The Fresh Prince of Bel Air because it is awesome. I barely get through 10 minutes of it when it's time to put in the IV and I get to experience what old people feel like in a hospital when they have to go to the bathroom. My hilarious Indian doctor, Dr. Brahim, tells me that my IV stand rolly thing is my boyfriend for the day and will go with me everywhere.
my super comfy bed and hooked up to the iv
i got a nice crest thing goin on
Dr. Brahim is probably one of the funniest men I will ever meet. He is balding with cool grandpa glasses, but has the most awesome Indian accent and knows how to make me laugh despite the intense butterflies in my stomach. I'm so glad that he was the one to cut open my gums. <3 9am hits, and I get sent into the operation room. Dr. Brahim puts a sedative into my IV that "makes me comfortable." Basically, the closest things to drugs I will ever experience. It felt very cool. And I fell asleep, but it was like a twilight sleep thing so I could respond and open my mouth whenever they told me to. The left wisdom tooth was fine, they cruised through that, but halfway through my operation I just started to wake up, and I don't know if the sedative just stopped working or whatnot but AHH I felt like I could feel them breaking into my gum and into my tooth and I just started crying right there. That was horrible. My operation was longer than planned, and Dr. Brahim said that my teeth were incredibly hard to get out because of their orientation and position. They were basically completely turned on their side, and it looked pretty horrific in the x-ray so I'm not surprised that it hurt like a mother to get them out. I had to spend an hour in the recovery room before I could leave, and when I got up to go to the bathroom, I just gave this huge moan when I looked in the mirror because I had this weird idea that MAYBE I would be special and not swell up so much. But oh, how wrong I was.
I finally get out of that building and go home, while my dad gives me glances and just chuckles to himself. I get home, collapse on my bed, and sleep for about 15 hours with little breaks in between where my dad comes up with yogurt and this dreadful Ibuprofen medication that makes me want to vomit. Yesterday's diet consisted of two yogurts and a Slimfast. Whenever I attempt to get up and do something, I just get mad headaches and feel like throwing up and I run back to my bed. Haha like I wasn't even sleepy, but sleeping made my head stop pounding so I just stayed glued to my pillow the whole day.
Day 2.
This morning was rough. I wake up at about 5am, realize that I haven't showered yet, so I get out of bed to do so. But in the process, I end up puking all of my Slimfast into the toilet. It's a slightly liberating feeling though, to finally be able to vomit the thing that's been plaguing your stomach for the entire day. Anyways, when I finally get in the shower, I end up spending an extra 15 minutes just sitting on the shower floor with my head in my hands and water hitting my back. Boo, I seriously wanted to rip out my brain and my stomach to just make the pain go away. And the stupid thing was that it wasn't even my teeth that hurt, just everything else.
So the past day and a half have sucked, for lack of a better word. But somehow, my dad managed to drag me out of bed and have me make mac n' cheese by myself in an effort to have something to do. And then we watched Shooter together with Mark Wahlberg, which was an awesome movie except for the slightly weird ending where he just ends up killing everyone and that's the end. And now I feel 10 times better, especially because of Richa Shah.
Wow, I am so blessed to have a friend that will go out of her way to drop by your house just to see how you're doing, that will be there for you exactly the moment you need her. I heard a knock on the door, and open it to find Richa, with a vase of flowers and a Get Well Soon balloon in hand. I can't even tell you how much that made my day. And somehow, we haven't gotten to see each other all summer, but I absolutely loved those fifteen minutes. They were probably responsible for turning my day around. :) So thank you, you beautiful woman! I will do as your balloon commands. <3
iloverichashah<3
And the person I probably have to thank most of all is my dad. Wow, I love that man. For this past day and a half I have just been a vegetable, but he walks up the stairs over and over again to bring me yogurt, bring my medicine, prop my head up on a pillow, put new ice in my ice pack, reheat my hot pack, stroke my cheek and laugh at how I look like the Nemo on that blanket that he tucks me in. "I'm your butler, Lum Lum!" What an incredible man. I don't know if my parents are getting awesomer or if some part of me is starting to realize that I won't truly be living with them this way ever again. Weird how I have to turn into a bunny to realize how truly amazing my daddy is.
greatest man ever
There's no way my swelling will go down by tomorrow, so I will bring a paper bag to church. Or just endure the laughs and pointing of fingers.
And this concludes my adventures as Carolyn the bunny/Nemo/fat thing.
Please be gentle when you see me tomorrow.
Only if you want to live, that is.
I love how my last meal before I turned into a bunny was the most delicious dinner by Auntie Carol for all of the Little Lights counselors. And that she so happened to come by the ministry house on that Thursday so I could catch a ride with her back home instead of making my dad drive all the way out to D.C. like he had been doing for so many weeks. Mm, funny how God works little things out like that. Oh, and Josh Tseng and his mother are officially the most hilarious people to get lost in D.C. with, hands down.
---------------------------------------
So I might as well get this over with. Get all your laughs now, you sick people.
Are you ready?
Because if you laugh, I will have to destroy you by throwing my huge face in your direction and knocking you out with all 10 pounds of it. Just kidding, but not really.
BEFORE. (Exhibit A)
AFTER. (Exhibit B)
The following will be a documentary of how the heck Exhibit A turned into Exhibit B. May your ridiculing laughter subside by the time this is over.
Day 1
So Daddy wakes me up at 7:15 the next morning to meet my doom at NIH. I decided that it would be a great idea to take a before and after picture to more clearly document the ballooning of my face. (see above) I get seated on this amazingly comfortable bed with a tv strapped to it, and I begin watching The Fresh Prince of Bel Air because it is awesome. I barely get through 10 minutes of it when it's time to put in the IV and I get to experience what old people feel like in a hospital when they have to go to the bathroom. My hilarious Indian doctor, Dr. Brahim, tells me that my IV stand rolly thing is my boyfriend for the day and will go with me everywhere.
my super comfy bed and hooked up to the iv
i got a nice crest thing goin on
Dr. Brahim is probably one of the funniest men I will ever meet. He is balding with cool grandpa glasses, but has the most awesome Indian accent and knows how to make me laugh despite the intense butterflies in my stomach. I'm so glad that he was the one to cut open my gums. <3 9am hits, and I get sent into the operation room. Dr. Brahim puts a sedative into my IV that "makes me comfortable." Basically, the closest things to drugs I will ever experience. It felt very cool. And I fell asleep, but it was like a twilight sleep thing so I could respond and open my mouth whenever they told me to. The left wisdom tooth was fine, they cruised through that, but halfway through my operation I just started to wake up, and I don't know if the sedative just stopped working or whatnot but AHH I felt like I could feel them breaking into my gum and into my tooth and I just started crying right there. That was horrible. My operation was longer than planned, and Dr. Brahim said that my teeth were incredibly hard to get out because of their orientation and position. They were basically completely turned on their side, and it looked pretty horrific in the x-ray so I'm not surprised that it hurt like a mother to get them out. I had to spend an hour in the recovery room before I could leave, and when I got up to go to the bathroom, I just gave this huge moan when I looked in the mirror because I had this weird idea that MAYBE I would be special and not swell up so much. But oh, how wrong I was.
I finally get out of that building and go home, while my dad gives me glances and just chuckles to himself. I get home, collapse on my bed, and sleep for about 15 hours with little breaks in between where my dad comes up with yogurt and this dreadful Ibuprofen medication that makes me want to vomit. Yesterday's diet consisted of two yogurts and a Slimfast. Whenever I attempt to get up and do something, I just get mad headaches and feel like throwing up and I run back to my bed. Haha like I wasn't even sleepy, but sleeping made my head stop pounding so I just stayed glued to my pillow the whole day.
Day 2.
This morning was rough. I wake up at about 5am, realize that I haven't showered yet, so I get out of bed to do so. But in the process, I end up puking all of my Slimfast into the toilet. It's a slightly liberating feeling though, to finally be able to vomit the thing that's been plaguing your stomach for the entire day. Anyways, when I finally get in the shower, I end up spending an extra 15 minutes just sitting on the shower floor with my head in my hands and water hitting my back. Boo, I seriously wanted to rip out my brain and my stomach to just make the pain go away. And the stupid thing was that it wasn't even my teeth that hurt, just everything else.
So the past day and a half have sucked, for lack of a better word. But somehow, my dad managed to drag me out of bed and have me make mac n' cheese by myself in an effort to have something to do. And then we watched Shooter together with Mark Wahlberg, which was an awesome movie except for the slightly weird ending where he just ends up killing everyone and that's the end. And now I feel 10 times better, especially because of Richa Shah.
Wow, I am so blessed to have a friend that will go out of her way to drop by your house just to see how you're doing, that will be there for you exactly the moment you need her. I heard a knock on the door, and open it to find Richa, with a vase of flowers and a Get Well Soon balloon in hand. I can't even tell you how much that made my day. And somehow, we haven't gotten to see each other all summer, but I absolutely loved those fifteen minutes. They were probably responsible for turning my day around. :) So thank you, you beautiful woman! I will do as your balloon commands. <3
iloverichashah<3
And the person I probably have to thank most of all is my dad. Wow, I love that man. For this past day and a half I have just been a vegetable, but he walks up the stairs over and over again to bring me yogurt, bring my medicine, prop my head up on a pillow, put new ice in my ice pack, reheat my hot pack, stroke my cheek and laugh at how I look like the Nemo on that blanket that he tucks me in. "I'm your butler, Lum Lum!" What an incredible man. I don't know if my parents are getting awesomer or if some part of me is starting to realize that I won't truly be living with them this way ever again. Weird how I have to turn into a bunny to realize how truly amazing my daddy is.
greatest man ever
There's no way my swelling will go down by tomorrow, so I will bring a paper bag to church. Or just endure the laughs and pointing of fingers.
And this concludes my adventures as Carolyn the bunny/Nemo/fat thing.
Please be gentle when you see me tomorrow.
Only if you want to live, that is.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
