All of a sudden, I have the urge to write.
I've always wanted to be one of those people who write these amazing, insightful, thought-provoking blogs -- the ones that have the ability to change your life and compel you to be a better person. I read posts like Eden Chen's, like Jumi Bello's, and even those of an NYU graduate that I haven't even met yet -- and I can't help but feel moved, feel shaken, and realize once again that life is so much deeper and bigger than even my little mind can fathom.
So I'm starting this up again. And we'll see if it's a little different this time around -- not really more serious, but maybe just a little deeper. A little less frivolous, and a little more real.
Oh boy. [rubs hands together] We'll see how this works out.
I don't know if you've noticed (all 2 of you loyal readers HAH.) but the layout's changed. It looks almost naked -- no pictures, no pretty colors -- nothing but words. And I kind of want it to be that way. Pure rambling and pouring out of my heart without using all the cute little graphics and banners to compensate. It's going to be a challenge, I know it already. BUT I'M READY.
Wow, I really don't even know what to begin writing about. Things have been kinda crazy these days, in both good and bad ways. I've been happy, but at the same time very unhappy with myself and who've I've been this year. I feel like time is slipping right out of my fingers, and that before I know it, it'll be August 25th and I'll be leaving this familiar town of Columbia, this familiar church of Chinese Bible Church of Maryland, this familiar state of Maryland, to head down 11 hours to a place that is completely unknown to me.
Emory University.
Atlanta, Georgia.
It's been my dream school since I started -- maybe because I first got brainwashed by Jocelyn, Eden, and Christine -- but truly after I visited and felt a connection to that place that I cannot deny. And now that I've found a roommate that is such a perfect match for me that it's almost kind of eerie, I'm only more excited. We love the same music, the same movies, both have some Cantonese in us, are involved in our churches and sing on the worship team, but have grown up in entirely different places and communities, exposed to completely different things. AHH, I'm so excited to meet this woman and experience what God has to show me through her.
But as ready as I think I am to leave, I know I'm not.
Yesterday night, I was driving home with my mom after getting a haircut. I find that we have our best (and worst) conversations in the car. Before all this, my mom had never shown any signs of weakness or worry about me leaving. She and my sister actually ganged up on my dad to convince him to let me go to Emory (hahah bless their souls), and somehow knew that Emory was where God meant for me to be. But last night, as we talked about how our home was finally gonna be an empty nest, her voice started breaking as she told me that she didn't think she'd be able to let me go, that if she had her way and let herself be selfish, she'd keep me at Maryland so I'd never have to leave. "But I know it's not up to me, and I have to let you go. Even though I've grown so much closer to you this year since you were all I've had to talk to and teach, with Carmen at college. I'm going to miss you so much." And all I wanted to do was just hug her and hold her and tell her how important she is to my life, how she's played such an incredible part in my life. But she was driving, so all I could do was rub her arm awkwardly and tell her how much I love her and how much I'd miss her.
I really don't think I can handle repeating this with all that I've grown close to here in Maryland.
I'm going to be such a mess in August. AWLEFJASKdfsdkfj.
I'm not ready.
I'm not ready to say goodbye.
I'm so scared of getting older,
I'm only good at being young.
4 comments:
but the only way we can truly grow is by forcing ourselves to do things we're "not good at"
good post
ahhh Carolyn,
you're going to be okay and you're going to do great things at Emory.
you've already done so much for your family, your friends, and your church. and I'm absolutely sure (I could bet my life on it)you're going to impact your new peers and new friends around you in more ways than you think this upcoming year.
I'm surprised I'm actually on this thing, but I'm glad i came across your blog.
goodluck, ma'am. you're going to be great.
so yeah i noticed you hadn't updated in awhile (yes i do read your blog regularly =))
i'm glad to hear that you're going to push yourself and leave your comfort zone. My mom told me that college is the time that you change the most in life and if you're with people who are familiar to you, you wont change as much. She said college is pretty much where you become who you are.
Well, as far as not being ready goes, i have to admit i can understand. I don't want to grow up at all, what with junior year coming up. i know you've been through it already, but yeah, growing up is heard. But I'll show you a passage from the Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian that I thought of as soon as I read this. LoL how fitting that it came out in theatres recently.
Anyway, here goes.
"Welcome, Prince," said Aslan. "Do you feel yourself sufficient to take up the Kingship of Narnia?"
"I-I don't think I do, Sir," said Caspian. "I'm only a kid."
"Good," said Aslan. "If you had felt yourself sufficient, it would have been a proof that you were not..."
It's towards the end of the novel and Caspian admits he isn't ready to take on a country. But as you know, every king had help (minus the big guy cuz he is just beast). Even thoug you're not a king, you will too. God will help you, that awesome-sounding roommate will help you and the friends you make will help you. So don't be afraid. =) We're all supporting you the whole way.
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