Empty-handed But Alive in Your Hands

I'm just sitting here in silence because I really don't even know how to even begin writing about these last three days. What a week of extremities - and I know that it's only going to be more so as we finish out our first week of camp. I didn't get a chance to finish writing about all our counselors, or more about the ministry house that we live in, or what we've been doing here. And for the sake of time and the fact that I have another crazy day of camp tomorrow, I'll try to summarize!

First off, I just found out that a rat/mouse went through my entire bag of granola bars and fruit snacks and TORE THAT THING UP. It even left little droppings. Oh, goody. I think by the time I come back, I will be immune to the following things: flying ants, cockroaches, mice, spiders, daddy-long-legs, angry children, etc. But there's something about this ministry house that I absolutely love. I love how all of us counselors just meet up in the common room every night, eating dinner on this tiny 4' x 3' coffee table, and just sharing hilarious stories and guffawing (such a great word) with each other, basking in each others' weirdness and killing flying ants with each other. I love how all of us are so different, from different states and completely different backgrounds - but our purpose is the same. There are so many people here that I just look at in amazement and wonder how God made them to be so incredible and have such a heart for Him and His people. Wow, a flying ant just landed on my keyboard. And I totally just killed 3 and killed another in a cup and it was weird. INFESTATION AHHH

I suppose I should get to the meat of all this, and the reason why I felt compelled to write a stupid blog post even when I should be getting my rest. This week has been our first week of official camp, and it's been three days since I met all of the girls in my group (girls ages 7-9).

But first, let's start on the weekend before Monday. Sunday night, I was a complete mess. I worried more in that day than I have about anything else - while half of us felt incredibly excited for camp to start, I just had this horrible burden on my heart that I was going to completely and utterly fail, that I wouldn't be able to love these kids like Jesus would, that I would either flip out and be angry with them or I would just give into them and let them run all over me. We had praise and prayer that night that completely broke me down, and as we sang the song "Majesty," I just started bawling as I sang those lyrics and snot was running everywhere and oh my goodness. But for the first time since I had been here, I finally had peace.

Day 1: One of the things I've been praying about lately is that God would humble me. I have been praying that He would break me, that He would stretch me and challenge me like I've never been before. But what a dangerous prayer that is - because I think God is really going to follow through on that. I think that I secretly have a problem with pride -- it doesn't show too much outwardly, and I don't think I even realize it sometimes. But I try so hard not to fail, and for the most part, I don't. But even in the way that I work with people - I think that things have to be a certain way, that they have to be my way. I always think I can do things on my own. I always think that I know what's best for me and for the people around me. Honestly, I do a pretty good job of making people think that I have it together and that I'm spiritual enough. But sometimes I wonder if I'm just a Pharisee in disguise, that maybe I just wear this mask of spirituality because I'm a worship leader and have always been involved in the church. All my life, pastors and counselors and mentors have all told me that I have to let go of my control on my life and give it up to God. But wow, how do you even do that? Even when I pray for that to happen, I still do what I think is best, and for the most part, it works out.

But oh, how God delivered on the first day of camp.

2 words:
Complete.
Chaos.

Never have I felt so inadequate in my life.
I left that day feeling so emotionally and physically drained. If I could feel emotion, I'd feel so much embarrassment for the mess that was our first day.

We had 11 girls show up for registration: Bryanna, Brittany, Rikea, Beverly, Taquita, Sa'Niya, Samara, Damar'e, Queshawn, Destiny, and Sharnae. I knew about half of them from last year, and chose to work with this group because I remembered that I had really enjoyed taking care of Damar'e, Queshawn, and Sa'Niya last year. We headed over to Garfield Park and I got to know some of the girls - one girl in particular that I spent the most time with one-on-one was Brittany. And she really opened up to me, and told me openly about her family and what was going on with her life. But once she met up with the other girls, she seemed to turn into a completely different girl. And that's how it is with most of these girls - by themselves, I know that they can be so well-behaved and just a joy to work with, but there are so many divisions in that group, and so many girls just really do not get along with some of the other ones, and things started to turn upside-down.

These girls have so much spunk, so much attitude. And for the most part, I love that about them. But holy crap - when that's left uncontrolled, completely and utter chaos ensues. During our small group, Katie and I just got completely walked on by those girls. The fighting between them just never stopped, they had little to no respect for us, and we had no idea what to do. I've never been put in the position where I have to enforce strict and complete discipline, and as a result, there was just no structure and the girls went haywire. And I just wanted to tear out all my hair and roll it into a ball and set it on fire and throw it at some of them. Just kidding, but not entirely.

Any control I thought I had
Just slips right through my hands
...Yet You love me
And that consumes me
So I'll stand up again, and do so willingly.

I felt so defeated at the end of the day. Never had I met a bunch of girls that were so rude, so completely disrespectful of authority and of each other. I wondered so many times today, "Why the heck am I here? Why am I in one of the poorest places in D.C., serving these children that have no idea what Little Lights went through to give them this camp, that walk all over me and act like my words don't matter? Why am I spending one of the last summers that I'll ever spend with my family and my friends before I leave for Georgia in this place?"

But then I just mentally smack myself in the face because this is what I have been called to do. We have been called to love like Jesus - even when you're spat on and ridiculed, even when the lesson that you just planned for 3 hours just falls to pieces because your girls are "too cool" to do it, even when your patience is tested like it's never been before. How can I even be selfish enough to give this up and go back to my comfortable, spacious single house in the suburbs, to spend more money buying more and more things and trying to get more and more tan? This summer, I'm going to learn what really matters in this life - Jesus, people, and loving.

After that horrific first day, I had one of the most intense quiet times I've ever had in my life. It's been so long since I've been so broken like that - where the worst part of me is brought out and magnified 200%. I realized that I have no clue when it comes to being a counselor for urban, African American children, and that I really suck. A lot. I realized that there is no way that I can do this on my own. "Lord, rescue me." "Lord, help me." I must've said that 25 different times that day. I prayed for hope for another day. I asked Him for patience, for kindness, for love, because I sure as heck had none of it at the moment. Psalm 121 was the passage I read that night, and I almost chuckled a little because it's funny how God works.

I lift my eyes to the hills -
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip --
He who watches you will not slumber.

The Lord watches over you-
the Lord is your shade at your right hand.
The sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all harm -
He will watch over your life'
the Lord will watch over your coming and going, both now and forevermore.

The last song I heard on my iPod until I forced myself to sleep was The Shadow Proves the Sunshine - Switchfoot. Yeah, I'm a Switchfoot fan. Don't hate. And I fell asleep, at peace, once again.


Day 2: Redemption.

I can't even begin to tell you what a competely amazing day this was. I don't know if it was that Katie and I finally toughened up and followed through on our discipline, or that the girls were more cooperative, or if it was just plain God. I'd say it was the last -- because I found myself taking action and doing things that I never would've done before, and that I finally had a clue with these girls. And on top of that, I could finally enjoy them. The first day, I was just so worn out from telling them not to do things that it completely sucked the joy out of my time with these girls. I felt happier than I've felt in a long time, and the girls really warmed up to Katie and I and we had a really great day together.

I'm a little too tired right now to keep writing more about how much I have begun to love these girls, but they are amazing girls and I am learning just as much from them as they are from me. For example, Samara is without a doubt one of the most well-behaved girls I have ever met. Damar'e had one of the most horrible attitudes at camp yesterday, and made it quite clear to us that she didn't want to be at camp at all, but the second day, I saw her smiling, really trying to participate, and she is just such a cool girl, and one of the smartest in the bunch.

AHHHHHHHH HAPPYYYY.

Day 3

Jeff had asked me the day before to lead worship for this day, and I agreed because he got the chance to go with one of his boys to a baseball game and he'd be gone all night. This would be my first time, and I just really didn't put as much time into it as I should, especially since I had my own small group lesson to plan and I ended up taking a lot longer with that than I thought I would. This morning, as I scrambled to put my lesson together, and put together a worship team, and practice, and find music -- I felt like I was going to go out of my mind. I hate that feeling - being unprepared and completely not in control. But once again, God is good, and made it work out at least a little, and small group ended up being amazing with the girls and I really had so much fun with them. It's weird -- I always worried that being so much stricter on discipline would make them hate camp and be grumpy 24/7, but making my expectations known to them and making them live up to it has truly made the difference for these girls and their behavior. Although they hate their warnings and time-outs at the time, when they come back to the group, they're truly changed - even a little bit - and I can see that they can truly enjoy camp more afterwards.

We went to the Gardens tonight just to play with the kids. I think I've forgotten just how much I love these trips -- to play with these kids without having to worry about disciplining everything they do, to finally be able to hold them and give them piggy-back rides and run around like an idiot just to make them laugh, to take pictures of and with them, and to simply and wholly enjoy being with them.

Please continue praying for these children, and for us counselors - because most of us still have 32 days of camp left. Pray that God will continue to humble me, break me, and put me back together again the way He wants. Pray that this team of counselors will continue to unify - that we'll see the worst parts of each other and choose to love through it.

God is doing amazing things here in southeast D.C. This is just a snippet, (snippet my butt, I know), but I wanted to be able to write it down while it's still fresh before I get to lazy to ever do it again. I miss you guys back in Moco/Hoco! Don't let this summer slip away - keep searching and living for the things that really matter, and love always.