Food

I used to get compliments from aunties about how lucky I was to be able to gorge on repulsive amounts of food and still remain pretty much a stick. Now, after two decades of life, this lightning-speed metabolism is sputtering out, but the huge appetite is still lingering in this belly.

It has never been this clear to me how much of a problem my eating was until this year when both my roommate Bethaney and my boyfriend Eden noticed how I am incapable of keeping leftovers or keeping a snack for over 2 days. If my brain entertains the thought of eating something, I can't think about anything else until it is in my stomach. I just constantly want to eat and cannot stop. I gave up snacking and eating alone for Lent but have already broken it about 7 times, and am writing this after just eating two full-blown muffins even though I am more than full already.

It's probably pretty silly of me to write about this, but writing makes things more tangible, and man, I cannot tackle this problem until I acknowledge that it is real. People laugh at me when I feel disappointed in myself after snacking on an apple, but they don't understand that I literally cannot keep from eating that apple, or 10 apples. Sure, part of the disappointment in myself stems from my body feeling gross, but it isn't just me caring about how I look anymore. It comes from knowing that right now I cannot desire God more than food, that I am literally enslaved to my belly and my flesh, and that this physical slavery is turning into a spiritual one.

If anyone happens upon this entry, please pray for me - I know it's weird, but it is something that I have been wrestling with for months now and I keep getting KO'ed. I will not break this by sheer willpower, but only the transformative power of Christ. Mm. So easy to type, but so hard to live out.

1 Corinthians 6:12:
“All things are lawful for me,” but not all things are helpful. “All things are lawful for me,” but I will not be enslaved by anything.